It's all covered in dog piss, and other reasons why foraging is a terrible idea

THINK you’re going to make some lovely, organic pesto from that wild garlic you foraged? You won’t, because it will have the added ingredient of dog urine. Here are some other reasons:

You don’t know what you’re doing

You got a trug basket and a book about foraging for Christmas, which you think makes you a cross between Nigella Lawson and Bear Grylls. Unfortunately, the pictures in the book are shit, you can’t tell the difference between plants and you end up with agonising stomach ache after eating dandelion soup, which was horrible anyway.

It takes f**king ages

You imagine that the natural abundance of nature will provide you with a delicious feast within minutes of leaving your door. Unfortunately, you are wrong and you’ll find yourself five miles from home on foot having picked six hawthorn flowers and stung your hands on a lot of nettles.

A farmer will go mental at you

Despite its reputation for being bucolic and tranquil, the British countryside is actually jealously guarded by angry fascists with no compunction about bellowing at you to get off their land. It’s probably not wise to argue with a man who sees death as part of nature’s brutal plan and is carrying a f**king shotgun.

It’s all covered in dog piss

Even if you think you’ve walked far enough from the path to pick something a dog won’t have been near, you’re wrong. They piss on everything. And if it’s not the piss of a dog, it’ll be the piss of a fox or a rat or a badger. You cannot escape the piss, and some of those appetising-looking leaves will also have shit on them.

You might kill yourself and your family

No matter how confident you are that the mushrooms you picked are the harmless chestnut types rather than the fatal ‘destroying angels’ species, is it worth the risk? Because you can go to Tesco and buy some for a quid without murdering your family or turning into a tedious wanker who thinks foraging is somehow a cool thing to do.

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Five weird ways to increase belly fat

TIRED of not being able to fill out your extra-large jeans? Start piling on the pounds with these surprising tricks that actually work.

Deep fry everything

Scotland has led the way with deep-fried Mars bars and the ‘munchy box’, but there’s room for improvement. Try submerging your five a day in hot fat and watch your calorie intake shoot into quadruple figures. Better still, forget the fruit and veg and fry blocks of lard for a delicious grease-flavoured ‘baked Alaska’.

Eat in the night

A peaceful night of uninterrupted slumber helps you to lose weight, which is terrible news. Instead, set an alarm for 3am and leave a big cake on your bedside table. Help yourself to a few generous slices when you wake up in the dead of night, then marvel as the sugar high makes it impossible to get back to sleep. Result.

Don’t exercise

You’re probably already doing this while pissing away a small fortune to the gym every month in the process. You can always push yourself to go further though. Try to remain in bed as much as possible in order to make your muscles atrophy into rolls of flab. Even getting up to go to the toilet could burn valuable calories, so invest in a chamber pot.

Drink beer instead of water

Water does not contain any fats, carbohydrates or proteins. In other words it’s an extremely unhealthy beverage. However beer is filled with as many calories as a slice of pizza, so make sure you quaff at least five pints of the stuff a day. Not only will your belly start to stick out, you’ll also get a healthy, ruddy-cheeked glow.

Get reverse liposuction

Still not seeing results? Go to your GP and ask to have fatty deposits piped straight into your body. The effects will be instantaneous, but it’s pricey. Plus you’ll have to endure the incredulous sneers of other overweight people who will point at you and whisper to each other ‘I bet they’ve had work done’. Ignore them – they’re just jealous of the new, dangerously obese you.