ARE you looking to fritter away your hard-earned cash on pointless, defective goods? Then you no doubt buy these stupid products, writes Northern father Bill McKay.
I love my grandson, but my son is a weak-minded fool for buying him baby footwear. He’ll grow out of the bloody things in a couple of months, and when I ran around in bare feet as a lad I hardly ever cut myself on broken glass. And you soon get used to drawing pins stuck in your feet. He’s being molly-coddled.
Jeans with holes in
If you paid a builder to put a new roof on and he left it with bloody great big holes, you’d track him down at your local Wetherspoons and give him a slap. Why should jeans be any different? My youngest says it’s a style thing. Well there’s nothing stylish about getting pneumonia in your knees!
My daughter seems to piss half her monthly pay cheque away on sandalwood and bloody lavender candles. No wonder she can’t afford a house down in London, with practically setting fire to her wages. There are plenty of cheaper ways to get your house smelling lovely, just keep a deep-fat fryer on the go in the kitchen, for example.
Do you think cavemen were going around rubbing bloody aloe vera all over each other? No, they had too much else to be getting on with. You couldn’t be worrying about putting Nivea under your eyes when a pterodactyl’s flying off with your wife. Having leathery, sun-damaged skin is the sign of a life well-lived, I say.
Branded toilet paper
People in olden days used to clean themselves with rags. Now when I go round my eldest’s house for a dump his bathroom’s full of quadruple-ply, moistened, scented loo roll that costs a pound a sheet. The world’s gone mad. Single-ply store brand bog paper is more than enough. Eventually your anus will just callous up and you’ll be able to wipe your arse with sandpaper.