Jeans with holes in: products Northern dads can't see the bloody point of

ARE you looking to fritter away your hard-earned cash on pointless, defective goods? Then you no doubt buy these stupid products, writes Northern father Bill McKay. 

Baby shoes

I love my grandson, but my son is a weak-minded fool for buying him baby footwear. He’ll grow out of the bloody things in a couple of months, and when I ran around in bare feet as a lad I hardly ever cut myself on broken glass. And you soon get used to drawing pins stuck in your feet. He’s being molly-coddled.

Jeans with holes in

If you paid a builder to put a new roof on and he left it with bloody great big holes, you’d track him down at your local Wetherspoons and give him a slap. Why should jeans be any different? My youngest says it’s a style thing. Well there’s nothing stylish about getting pneumonia in your knees!

Scented candles

My daughter seems to piss half her monthly pay cheque away on sandalwood and bloody lavender candles. No wonder she can’t afford a house down in London, with practically setting fire to her wages. There are plenty of cheaper ways to get your house smelling lovely, just keep a deep-fat fryer on the go in the kitchen, for example. 


Do you think cavemen were going around rubbing bloody aloe vera all over each other? No, they had too much else to be getting on with. You couldn’t be worrying about putting Nivea under your eyes when a pterodactyl’s flying off with your wife. Having leathery, sun-damaged skin is the sign of a life well-lived, I say.

Branded toilet paper

People in olden days used to clean themselves with rags. Now when I go round my eldest’s house for a dump his bathroom’s full of quadruple-ply, moistened, scented loo roll that costs a pound a sheet. The world’s gone mad. Single-ply store brand bog paper is more than enough. Eventually your anus will just callous up and you’ll be able to wipe your arse with sandpaper.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Walking around a shopping centre: The teenager's guide to shit dates

LOOKING for romance but on a very limited budget? Here are some of the awful dates you no doubt went on as a teenager.

Head to the cinema

Did you have visions of suavely putting your arm around your date as you watched some erotically charged French thriller? Unfortunately, the guy at the ticket desk refused to sell you a ticket for an 18 film. Instead, you end up in a matinee screening of the new Paw Patrol movie with a horde of screaming toddlers. Enjoy.

Walking around a shopping centre

There’s romance in the air at your local shopping centre, but mainly the overpowering smell of bleach. Why not stroll through a big Boots? Or maybe count the number of vacant store fronts? Once you’ve worked up an appetite, head to the food court and guess which of the non-franchise fast food outlets looks least likely to give you food poisoning.

Going to the park

A stroll through scenic countryside is a surefire way of kindling romance. Unfortunately, you live in suburban Glasgow and the closest thing to nature is a threadbare park. Enjoy trying to make small-talk in the rain as kids from your school, pissed on Frosty Jack’s, hilariously shout ‘Have you f**ked her yet?’

Watch a movie at home

You’ve been invited round to watch a movie at your date’s house. Perhaps tonight will be the night that you finally kiss? Except it absolutely won’t be as you mistakenly presumed their parents would be out. Enjoy watching Die Hard 4 in silence with your date’s dad sitting between you like a big, angry chastity buffer.

Go bowling

You’ve finally saved up enough pocket money to treat your beloved to an evening of bowling at your local alley. After failing to think of an amusing name for the scoreboard, you spend the rest of the evening humiliated, having paid to demonstrate just how profoundly uncoordinated you are. Brilliant.

Group dates

What’s more awkward than two teenagers on a date? Four teenagers on a double date. Bringing another couple into the mix is a great way to immediately become self-conscious about how terribly your own date is going. Watch them giggle together while your date’s eyes glaze over as you ramble on about which is your favourite Star Wars film.