Seven hobbies that inexplicably haven't caught on with women

STRANGELY, certain hobbies have never developed a female following. Here beer festival regular Martin Bishop lists some of the wonderful activities women are missing out on.

Fishing 

A fun hobby that involves sitting alone by an unpicturesque river for hours, occasionally removing a barbed hook from a fish without ripping its face open. Give it chance, ladies – you might discover a secret passion for solitary brooding and revolting fish diseases.

Collecting SS memorabilia

Sadly this historical hobby is practised exclusively by creepy male loners with an unhealthy interest in the Third Reich. But collecting SS caps and daggers really isn’t that different to collecting antiques, it’s just that the previous owner of a Blue Willow tea set probably wasn’t executed at Nuremberg.

Martial arts

Women do martial arts, but they tend to be more interested in the sporting or self-defence aspect, rather than collecting nunchucks and throwing stars or obsessively watching Bruce Lee videos. And, of course, imagining meeting the kid who bullied you at school and karate-chopping him to a bloody pulp. Come on, ladies, surely you’ve got juvenile revenge fantasies too?

The Sealed Knot

Contrary to popular belief there are some great roles for women in English Civil War reenactments – spinning yarn, preparing food, looking after the baggage train. And if you’re a woman hoping to meet a partner through your hobby, the total lack of females basically means you’re Margot Robbie if you can breathe.

Owning a samurai sword

What better talking point for your lounge than a large samurai sword on a decorative rack? Especially if you’ve sharpened it so it will easily take someone’s head off. Curiously, only men seem to be into this engrossing and not-in-any-way-mental hobby.

Dungeons & Dragons 

It’s easy to mock 25-year-old virgins pretending to be dwarves and warlocks, but D&D is actually a compelling game of decision-making and imagination. Also we desperately need more female players because in my current ‘campaign’, Dave the fat IT guy plays a sexy female elf and it’s giving me confusing feelings.

Real ale

Women like getting tipsy and socialising, thus missing out on the best bit of drinking – discussing specific gravity. Females might feel they’d be out-of-place in the world of real ale, but after a few years of drinking heavy brews with names like Old Bender’s Clopper you’ll be as rotund and dishevelled as everyone else.

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How out of touch are you on a scale of '0' to 'an MP who says meals cost 30p'?

WORRIED you’re losing touch with real life? Take our quiz and find out if you’re quite grounded or talking shite like Tory MP Lee Anderson. Award yourself points as instructed.

Can poor people cook?

Of course. Only a moronic, out of touch, deluded, ignorant, idiotic prick would think otherwise. 1 point.

No. Their brains are too small to understand simple recipes. 2 points.

How much is a pint of milk?

70p. According to some dickheads that’s more than the price of two meals. 1 point.

Half a crown. Or just get it from a cow. 2 points.

What’s the average price of a meal?

That depends on whether I’ve managed to find a yellow-stickered bargain. Although you can’t really put a price on the miracles I whip up every single f**king day. 1 point.

30p. You can probably get five courses for that hefty sum. 2 points.

Who uses food banks?

An ever-increasing number of people who have been repeatedly shafted by the government. 1 point.

Not a single person in my Ashfield constituency. So by extension, nobody at all. 2 points.

What can 30p actually buy you?

A Freddo bar, if you feel like treating yourself to an extravagant luxury without much nutritional value. 1 point.

A slap-up feast for you and all the family, probably a large goose and foie gras for starters, with enough leftovers to see you through the week. 2 points.

How did you score?

Exactly 5 points: You’ve got a good grip on reality. Seriously, you should send some ideas to Downing Street, they haven’t got a f**king clue.

5-7 points. You have a good grasp of food poverty, but are slightly optimistic about how easy it is to eat cheaply. You can’t just eat pasta all the time due to a thing called ‘scurvy’.

8 points or more. You are that knobhead MP Lee Anderson. You probably think poor people should fork out for some expensive cooking lessons while you watch your butler boil another lobster for your supper. Why not mention that in parliament and see how well it goes down?