Smug Bitcoin bastards getting long-overdue comeuppance

SMUG twats who piled all their cash into imaginary numbers money are finding out they are not cleverer than the entire world after all.

Millions of knobheads who firmly believed they had discovered eternal wealth simply by converting normal money into a new kind of money backed by no guarantees whatsoever are learning that they were stupid and wrong.

Nathan Muir of Colchester said: “Okay, what the f**k? I remortgaged my house for this. And now it’s just going down like some sort of stock?

“What about the blockchain? I don’t really understand what that is, but what about it? Surely we can give that a good sharp yank and get that graph going up again?”

Investor Oliver O’Connor said: “I didn’t put all my eggs in one basket. I’ve got Bitcoin, Dogecoin, Ethereum and Tether. Unfortunately it seems they’re four flavours of the same total bullshit.

“This doesn’t make any sense. I was better than everyone else! I had the secret! I was going to retire at 35! Why is everyone pointing at me and laughing?”

Friend Lucy Parry said: “Oh no, Oliver’s going to have to work for a living like every f**ker else. Except harder because he’s 40 grand in debt. I can’t find the words to express how sorry I am.”

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Coldplay's guide to protecting the environment. Sponsored by BP

Hi. Chris Martin here. I don’t want to come on the heavy preacher but sometimes I look out of our private jet at the little people on the ground like insects and think – are you really doing enough to save Planet Earth? 

Fortunately if we all do our bit we can make a difference. So here, in conjunction with the good people at BP, are some handy hints.

When filling up your car, wear a woolly hat

While topping up your tank at your local BP garage, send out a message to your fellow drivers – I’m saving the planet by wrapping up warm instead of turning the central heating up. My hat might be woolly, but my ideas aren’t. Consume fossil fuels responsibly, that’s what I’m saying.

Go for a drive and hand out eco-leaflets

After filling up at the BP garage – which also offers fresh coffee and a range of hot and cold snacks – drive around your area distributing leaflets spreading the green message. Don’t be afraid to confront people with hard-hitting slogans like ‘Scientists can’t agree on climate change but we’re probably fine for a few hundred years anyway so no need to worry just yet.’

Only use oil for your vinyl albums

Oil is a precious, vital asset. So use it for precious, vital things, like a Coldplay LP. We’re spreading the eco-message with our new album You Can Take Bubble Wrap to the Council Recycling Centre. Even if half the ten million copies end up as landfill, it’ll be worth it to educate the handful of listeners who can endure the tedium of a Coldplay album about recycling.

This might surprise you: the environment needs cars

If an endangered monkey is ill, how does the vet who treats him get to work? By car. If you want to stop the government building nuclear power stations, how do you get to the demo? In a coach. So as we can see, the environment needs traffic to survive. Go to BP’s website and download their factsheet Cars and polar bears: A completely natural symbiotic relationship

Encourage BP to use fewer fossil fuels by purchasing more of their product

In order to encourage ethical corporate behaviour, it’s vital that we give companies like BP our business. Boycott them and they may feel forced to abandon best practice. So when driving or flying to your next environmental conference, use a supplier you can trust – BP. In fact, go and fill your car up again at the BP garage to start saving the planet right now.