Five humiliating TikTok trends Boris Johnson will jump on for votes

DOWNING Street has set up a TikTok account for the Prime Minister. So which pathetic trends will he be following in an attempt to be popular?

Lizzo’s ‘About Damn Time’ dance

Pop diva Lizzo’s latest hit is an anthem for healing and moving forward after a struggle, which will be right up Boris’ street after the year he’s had. The dance features hip wiggling and arse smacking, and if that doesn’t make you want to vomit, watching the prime minister lip-syncing about it being ‘bad bitch o’clock’ definitely will.

One Thing About Me

The One Thing About Me trend sees TikTokers explaining a hyper-specific personality trait over a light jazz soundtrack with captions. Why? Who the f**k knows – it’s TikTok. Perfect for Johnson though, he could explain his decision to ditch the Northern Ireland Protocol. The jazz might even make it sound better.

Glow up transformation

This one is nice and easy: post several pictures captioned with ages, showing how you’ve blossomed since being a teenager. Luckily for Boris he’s looked like a blancmange with a hay bale on top since he was born, so he could post pictures from any year and no one would know the difference.

Louis Theroux’s ‘My Money Don’t Jiggle, Jiggle, It Folds’ dance

If Boris really wants to get deep into the batshit craziness of the platform, he could do the dance to Louis Theroux’s amateur rap song recorded for an episode of Weird Weekends back in the analogue wilderness of the year 2000. Featuring lyrics about having a shitload of money, the prime minister could perform it in front of his infamous gold wallpaper to add an extra layer of bling to the proceedings.

Cloud bread

This recipe is perfect for someone as lazy as Boris as it’s piss easy to make and only contains three ingredients: egg whites, sugar and corn starch. Also, as is obvious from that list, it’s actually a meringue rather than bread, which will fit in nicely with Boris’ aversion to telling the truth about anything at all.

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iPods, and other things teens depressingly think are 'vintage'

TEENAGERS are appropriating the things you loved and claiming they’re ‘vintage’ or ‘retro’. And it’s definitely just to make you feel geriatric. Here are their top olden-days picks.

iPods

Teens have already gone through records, tapes and CDs on the list of obsolete music technology pawned off on them at extortionate prices. These are next, so you can have the strange experience of a 13-year-old telling you Nirvana just sounds better on a lime green iPod Shuffle.

Paperbacks

After Kindles and audiobooks, hip teens have gone full circle and are reading paperbacks again. However only the most dog-eared, hard-slog Penguin Classics from a second-hand shop will suffice. Your manky WHSmith John Grishams absolutely will not make the cut.

Tamagotchi

Today’s teens don’t understand how kids of the 90s and 00s had to fight their parents tooth and nail to own, and then keep alive, this shitty little digital pet. Instead they wave Tamagotchis around as if they’re some sort of novelty item. Unbelievable. 

YouTube

In the age of apps and algorithms that feed you videos automatically, it’s very old-school to type out the video title you want on this weird old website called YouTube. A teen will introduce you to ‘Charlie bit my finger’, believing everyone in the world loved this absolute classic of virals in the olden days, and weren’t, like you, just muttering ‘Oh f**k off’.

Breaking Bad

Remember last week, when Breaking Bad was the brand-new hit show everyone was talking about? Well it turns out ‘last week’ was actually 14 years ago, and you’re still only halfway through watching it, while your son is dressing up as Walter White for a ‘throwback’ party.

You

In the eyes of Gen Z, it’s a medical miracle that they are alive at the same time as old-timers from mystical bygone eras like the 1990s. Don’t be fooled, though – just because they think shit from when you were young is cool does not mean they think you personally are cool in any way.