Five people you're going to give a piece of your mind to but never do

BEEN let down? Messed about? Want to give someone an almighty bollocking? Here are five culprits you’re almost brave enough to have a go at.

The delivery driver

Had another package lost, drop-kicked into your garden or left with a shitty neighbour? The delivery guy may as well just burn it on your porch while laughing at you. But instead of tearing a strip off him, like you told your partner you would, you meekly say ‘Thanks, mate’ when your next damaged Amazon purchase arrives. 

The noisy neighbour

It’s a scientific fact that people with shit taste in music play it loudest. So after another night where their bass makes your home feel like a nightclub toilet, you resolve to act. You’ll kick in their front door and unleash a verbal shitstorm which will force them to totally re-evaluate their life choices. Or you’ll put your head under the pillow and tell your partner ‘It’ll probably stop in a minute’.

The waiter

Certain establishments think it’s normal for every Tripadvisor review to be terrible, and waiters act accordingly. Waited 45 minutes to order? Been sent the wrong food? Confrontation isn’t your thing so even if the waiter stabs you through the hand with a steak knife you’ll still compliment the food and give them a little thumbs-up. Tuck into your nice cold burger, you worm.

Your dad

Ageing parents are a frustrating species. For people who had jobs, raised kids and taught you countless skills, their lack of understanding is bewildering. With their strange habits, friction with your partner and general timewasting – fancy explaining how Sky+ works for the 800,000th time? – sometimes they need a good shake. Instead you promise to ‘have a serious word’ next time you see them. Then you don’t. They wouldn’t hear most of it anyway. Also: childcare.

Your kid’s teacher

Your child’s teacher shouted at her again. It was all very unfair, confirms your totally-unbiased spawn. But by the time parents’ evening rolls around, you’ve remembered the school takes them off your hands for most of the week. Teachers can do what they like so long as they don’t lose them on a field trip. Even then they’ll probably find their way home when they’re hungry.

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Ukraine to win, Britain nul points: Your guide to the Eurovision popularity contest

EUROVISION is just around the corner, but how will it go down? As predictably as you expect, so like this:

Ukraine to win

Ukraine’s entry could fart into a kazoo for three minutes and they’d still be showered with douze points. So credit to them for actually submitting a song you’d almost consider listening to recreationally. Let’s just hope their win doesn’t spark World War 3, because that’s really against the spirit of Eurovision.

‘UK… nul points’

We’re the polar opposite of Ukraine. If we unleashed a top-tier banger then the rest of the continent would fail to acknowledge its greatness. Even Ireland won’t feel the need to chuck a couple of pity points our way now that Sinn Féin is laying the foundations for unification. We should stop bothering, even if we miss out on rare talents like Scooch.

You’ll attend a crap party

Sitting around watching hour after punishing hour of crap music does not count as a party, but that’s what your host will insist on calling it. Spoil their fun by recreating Brexit: slag off every mainland European country using dated stereotypes, storm out, then complain it’s not fair you’re not at the party.

The results will drag on way too f**king long

In 2022 the countries should be able to submit their scores instantly at the push of a button. Non. You’ll be forced to sit through dozens of people slowly reeling off a list of places and numbers. Skip the tedium by getting an early night. It’s not as if you’ll wake up in the morning and discover we won and you missed it.

Russia will host and win its own song contest

Having been banned from this year’s Eurovision, Russia will hold its own in Moscow. Only Russia will be allowed to enter, and songs will be about Putin’s manliness, the efficiency of the motherland’s gas pipelines, or the strength of the rouble. Russia will win a billion points and declare victory over everything forever. The winner will still be utterly shit pop-folk by people dressed as enormous wankers, though.