Six laughably pathetic Tory ideas to solve the cost-of-living crisis

THE government could not be less interested in the cost-of-living crisis. But people keep asking about it, so MP Martin Bishop has some ideas.

Turn off the internet at night

Nobody uses the internet at night, apart from lazy work-from-homers binge-watching Netflix before their noon start the next day. So let’s turn it off at 10pm, saving billions in electricity and data bytes on household bills. If broadband providers pass on the savings. We’ve left that up to them.

Passport avoidance bonus

Sick of paying £82 for a passport? Also sick of foreigners and their sneering refusal to recognise Brexit means we’re better? Cash in by not getting a passport, refusing to waste money and time outside our shores, and get a £15 bonus every three years. Ker-ching.

No more roads

Which isn’t to say no more cars. Rather we are unshackling motorists from the tyranny of the highways and their bewildering laws, most of which are the EU’s fault. From now on you can drive wherever you wish and take shorter as-the-crow-flies routes across fields, gardens and playgrounds, saving petrol.

Shoe leather clawback

Wear-and-tear on shoe soles is one of the biggest costs hypothetical jobseekers face annually. A new app allows you to log every legitimate step walked while searching for employment and claim the cost back at 0.01p a mile. That cash is going right in your back pocket.

Round-averaging injunctions

Finances drained by a friend not paying for their round? Simply apply, along with a minimum of four co-applicants, for a injunction with receipts for all rounds bought in a three-year period and receive an average of the money you’ve been cheated out of as a rebate. That’ll cover the bills.

90 per cent off all fines for corporate criminal liability

Found guilty of criminal liability at one of the public limited companies you run? Looking at losing the house in the Cotswolds you own through a system of shell companies? Get 90 per cent off that fine and rest easy. Because the Tories know what matters to ordinary people.

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Wayne Rooney's courtroom diary

REBEKAH Vardy’s libel case against Coleen Rooney has begun. If you’re still not sure what the f**k it’s about, don’t worry – her husband Wayne is here to explain the legal intricacies.

9.25am. At the court. Bit posher than when I got banned for drink driving with some bird in the car. Bad do that. I was driving a Volkswagen Beetle instead of me orange Bentley. Looked a right chav.

9.30am. Case has started. Lots of baldies with wigs, even the women. It’s like one of those courtroom dramas. Rebekah looks quite fit. I’d give her one. Coleen punches me in the bollocks. That’s what I get for making small talk to put her at ease.

10.10am. Apparently Rebekah regrets saying Peter Andre’s hung like a small chipolata. Ha ha. Classic. Wonder what a chipolata is. Probably one of those little monkeys.

11am. F**king hell this is confusing. Apparently Rebekah was leaking stories from Coleen’s private instagram but Rebekah said she never so Coleen did a sting by putting out fake stories so Rebekah would send them. You’d think Coleen would like more crap about her on Twitter, she’s never off that f**king phone.

1pm. Thank f**k, it’s lunchtime. Could do with a pint. Ask Coleen if we should invite Rebekah. ‘Are you a f**king idiot, Wayne?’ she says. I know the answer to this one. It’s yes.

2.00pm. Back in court. Apparently everyone’s calling it the ‘Wagatha Christie’ trial. She wrote the film about the murder on the train. Funny name, Wagatha. Luckily me and Coleen have given our kids sensible names: Cass, Klay, Kai and Kit. If we have more kids there’s still plenty of K names left: Kayden, Kolin, Kangaroo.

2.21pm. Just bored now. Still, I made some good progress on Candy Crush Saga. I’ll get to level 2 one of these days.

4pm. Rebekah’s barrister says Coleen really enjoyed being a detective. You got that right, mate. In my younger, less responsible days, she’d say things like ‘I think you were out with some slag you met in a nightclub. I don’t think aliens abducted you at all’. It’s like she was psychic.

5.30pm. Finished for the day, thank f**k. It’s weird, ‘cos I always thought courts were for serious stuff like murders, and this just seems like two bitchy women bearing a grudge. Must have cost a fortune too, what with all the lawyers. I said to Coleen, ‘Who’s paying for this?’ and she said ‘You are.’ Then I imagined them taking all my Bentleys away and I had a little cry.