A boring korma and a San Miguel for Starmer: What politicians' curry orders say about them

IT’S entirely plausible that a dull, play-it-safe type like Keir Starmer would order a chicken korma. Curry aficionado Wayne Hayes explains what politicians’ choices say about them: 

Keir Starmer: chicken korma and a bottle of San Miguel

Starmer is a man of honour, integrity and bland, boring tastes, meaning he won’t go any hotter than a mild, creamy korma alongside a cheap beer. Make sure it’s only a bottle, mind, let’s not go mad. Every night’s a school night for Sir Keir.

Boris Johnson: chicken tikka masala and seven pints of Cobra

Man of the people Boris will go for the popular choice, plus an entire peshwari naan to himself, while drinking heavily. Then he’ll take his shirt off, table-hop trying to chat up women, attempt to fight the waiter and vomit on the pavement outside after being chucked out. Next day he will claim it was ‘a brilliant night’.

Nigel Farage: prawn biriyani which he’ll pretend to hate

Despite telling anyone who’ll listen he ‘doesn’t like that foreign muck’, Farage will give himself away as being an almighty bullshitter by ordering something on the more complex side like a king prawn biriyani. He’ll then pretend to have a strop because they don’t serve bitter, before being observed relishing a nice, cool glass of Indian lager.

Angela Rayner: lamb vindaloo with extra chilli

Ange is as hard as nails and she’ll make sure you know it by chomping her way through a fiery vindaloo while staring you right in the eye the whole time. Once she’s done with that she’ll eat a jar of lime pickle with a tablespoon, and wash it all down with a Baileys. Pure class.

Priti Patel: scampi and chips with a glass of white wine

As everyone knows, only a sociopath orders from the ‘English dishes’ section of the menu at an Indian restaurant, making it the perfect choice for the home secretary. Paired with a glass of unpleasant British wine to hammer home how patriotic she is, it will be the kind of hideous meal only Priti can enjoy.

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Public worried about the health of their Jubilee bank holidays

FOLLOWING the Queen’s failure to deliver her annual address to parliament, Britain is concerned for its Jubilee bank holidays.

Her Majesty’s decision not to open Parliament for the first time since 1963 has her subjects anxious that they will not get four days off on the trot to get shitfaced.

Site manager Roy Hobbs said: “I know nobody wants to say the fateful words, but there’s a possibility we might only have a three-day weekend. And have to spend it dutifully mourning.

“I’ve been stockpiling beer and box sets for months in preparation for this. As a servant of her people, she needs to hang in there for another four weeks. It’ll be her last act of largesse to her country.”

Mary Fisher of Basingstoke said: “Four whole days. Bankrolled. In June. That’s like an extra week off for free at the best time of year. If she lets us down I’m going republican.

“Even if the unmentionable happens I think we should all turn a blind eye and have the bank holidays anyway, as a ‘celebration of her reign’ or some shit. I’ll dedicate the first two litres of white cider to her.”