Judgmental dads secretly jealous of lazy arsehole dad

A GROUP of committed fathers who love to judge rival parents are all privately jealous of the father who does absolutely nothing, they have admitted. 

The dads, who gather daily in the playground at Oakleaf Primary to loudly discuss what excellent dads they are, have confessed they envy Wayne Hayes who does not even leave the car to drop off his kids.

Father-of-three Julian Cook said: “You don’t see him at sports day. You don’t see him at the Christmas Fayre. You don’t see him at recorder concerts or any of the other dull shit. I wish I was him.

“He boasts he’s never changed a nappy. For me, that’s not just a routine but a key part of bonding with my son. Though it stinks and you get shit under your nails and I hate it.”

Joseph Turner agreed: “He takes his six-year-old down the pub to watch Sky games on Saturdays. That’s outrageous. He should be in soft play or doing something educational.

“Though I used to have an Arsenal season ticket, and now I never even get through Match of the Day without one of the little bastards crying.”

And Stephen Malley said: “Wayne just doesn’t get it. You can’t expect your wife to ‘deal with it’ every time the baby cries. But if you could. Oh, if you could.”