Is this the worst hangover you’ve ever had, or have you woken up in Burnley?

LAST night was a heavy one. But are these overwhelming feelings of pain, sickness and despair you’re feeling alcohol-induced, or have you awoken in the Lancashire town of Burnley? Take our test to find out…

Take a look around you. What do you see?

A) It’s blurry and smells of vomit for some reason, but I think my bedroom. I hope.

B) Is Angela’s Ashes a place? But, like, it closed decades ago? Because that’s where I am.

You nip out to the shop for Lucozade. How does that go?

A) Okay. Muhammad laughed at me when I walked into the shop but he tends to do that when I’m hurting.

B) The shop was closed because it was a Saturday morning. When I knocked on the glass an elderly ogre came out bearing a trident, asking what did I want of him? They’d never heard of Lucozade but could do me a sarsaparilla.

You decide to have a quick curer in the local. What happens?

A) Everyone left me alone thankfully, and after a couple of pints and a fag I was right as rain.

B) Everyone went silent the moment I went in. Then they began talking about Brexit and how it would cure all ailments and even regrow missing limbs. Then a man threatened to kill me.


Mostly A’s – Don’t worry, me ole mucker. It’s just a hangover. Go home, sleep it off and wake up later and watch Match of the Day 2 and enjoy a Pot Noodle.

Mostly B’s – Sorry to say this but you’re in Burnley. Luckily gaps in the rain are so infrequent they’ll never get that wicker man lit soon and you could be able to escape.

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Things described as 'rustic' generally shit

THINGS that are old, tatty or just total crap are being made to sound desirable by describing them as ‘rustic’.

Items that are badly made or very old and knackered – from loaves of bread to houses – are callously being passed off as status symbols to idiots who believe anything.

Lawyer Francesca Johnson said: “When I first viewed my house I thought it was a filthy hovel with a pigeon infestation until the estate agent explained it had ‘bags of rustic charm’.

“I’ve stuck with that as a theme whilst buying furniture. Often I’ve thought someone’s trying to palm off a load of old junk from their dead granny’s attic for an extortionate price. But then they mention it’s rustic and I snap it up.

“It applies to food as well. My local farmer’s market is full of oddly shaped cakes, one of which costs more than a big shop at Asda, and they’re rustic too. Or artisanal.

“I don’t know what that means but it’s obviously good.

“I’ve also bought countless things described as ‘shabby chic’, ‘vintage’ and ‘distressed’. Imagine if I’d wasted my money on something clean and functional from IKEA instead.

“How dreadful.”