How are people judging you because of your funny regional accent?

DOES that West Country twang make people think you’re as sexy as the Cadbury Caramel bunny, or a comedy bumpkin off The Two Ronnies? Find out with our guide.

If you’re Northern…

Northern accents have a certain ‘cool’. However they also suggest a massive chip on your shoulder and an unhealthy fixation with meat pies, so it’s swings and roundabouts.

Enjoy the kudos, but resist the temptation to pretend you’re a gritty member of the working class if you’re actually a graphic designer, or go ‘full Madchester’ and start saying gibberish like ‘nish’.

If you’re from the West Country…

You probably think your voice is the sultry countryside burr of a confusingly attractive cartoon rabbit. Prepare yourself for some bad news: to others it implies you are a cider-sloshing simpleton who wants to marry a sheep.

This is deeply unfair if you’re not a dreadful West Country stereotype, and are in fact a Professor of Astrophysics at the University of Bath, but don’t blame the rest of the UK, blame those bastards The Wurzels.

If you’re from Norfolk…

You’re an enigma. No one really knows what the Norfolk accent sounds like and so strangers probably think you’re from Holland, or perhaps Uzbekistan. Make the most of your exotic Norfolkian mystique!

If you’re Glaswegian…

Sadly English people may assume you’re an Irn-Bru swigging psychopath who will nut anyone who takes the piss, possibly while calling them a ‘bawbag’ for some reason.

This is a deeply offensive stereotype, unless you’re like that. Meanwhile, Glaswegians may wish to take comfort in the fact that they do not live in a country that appears to have gone completely mental.

If you’re posh…

Whilst ‘posh’ isn’t technically a geographical region, it definitely covers a lot of the Home Counties. Posh people are generally hated, but you can avoid this by not saying ‘yah’ and talking about horses.

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I had one job, admits May

THE prime minister has acknowledged she was chosen to do one single task and has done nothing but fuck it up.

After returning from the Salzburg summit, Theresa May admitted her plan to definitely negotiate a Brexit deal this time had somehow turned into being told to piss off again.

She said: “I was made prime minister for Brexit and Brexit only, but two years on all I’ve done is make everything unbelievably shit. It’s like being a professional artist who can’t do faces.

“I set out my stall with a list of insane demands, I set the clock running, I destroyed my government’s majority and only then did I seriously look at the job in hand.

“Since then I’ve flailed, panicked, repeated the same nonsense and alienated everyone except my husband Philip, and I’m sure I’ve heard him muttering ‘bloody idiot woman, more likely’.

“And let’s not forget I was supposed to be ‘a safe pair of hands’. I’d laugh if I had anything resembling a sense of humour.”

She added: “At conference next week I may well destroy the Conservative party as well. That’s definitely the job of leader, right?”