Live with your parents until you're 50: how to quickly save a house deposit

NEED to scrape together a whopping great deposit for a house? Save tens of thousands of pounds instantly with these tips.

Live with your parents until you’re 50

Moving into a house with friends or a loved one will stop you going crazy, but at what cost? By living with your parents for a good five decades you should just be able to save a deposit, unless they charge you rent. Which they probably will because you eat all their food using their gas and electricity.

Never do anything

Any economist will tell you that doing things costs money, so by doing nothing you’ll save a fortune. All you have to do is find a way to live without food, shelter, going out or buying things. Sounds tricky? Maybe, but it can’t be much harder than living a normal life and somehow saving enough for a deposit.

Sell your assets

Got a Bitcoin kicking around on an old hard drive? It’s time to cash it in. If you’re a normal person though you’ll have to make do with selling all your childhood toys which have failed to appreciate in value. But once you rustle up the remaining £20k from somewhere else you’ll be well on your way.

Buy a fixer-upper

Crap houses cost f**k all because nobody wants them, this means they’re practically affordable. By drastically lowering your expectations you could easily purchase a burnt-out houseboat in Chester, then you just need to spend an eye-watering amount on renovations to make it habitable. It really is as simple as that.

Live somewhere nobody wants to live 

A three-bedroom semi-detached can be yours for a tenner if you’re okay with living in Peterborough, mainly because it’s such a dump that not even pigeons want to live there. There are plenty of dirt-cheap shitholes like this outside the M25, but there’s little chance you’ll walk past a celebrity, so is it really worth it? No.

 

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Bristol Covid variant moonlights as shit DJ, scientists confirm

A MUTATION of Covid-19 from Bristol has a second job playing records badly during the evening and at weekends, it has been confirmed.

Scientists believe the variant, which was discovered mixing self-importantly in an abandoned warehouse in Stokes Croft, has turned to DJing to make ends meet.

Virologist Julian Cook said: “Covid-19 has proven to be a resilient, adaptable virus, and this variant is no exception. Although it can’t crossfade between Massive Attack and Portishead to save its life.

“By learning how to use turntables the virus probably thought it could carve out a unique and lucrative side gig. However Bristol is filled with millions of failed DJs who will tell you that simply isn’t the case.”

The Bristol mutation said: “One of the biggest downsides to being a respiratory disease is the nobody wants to share a room with you, let alone crowd together while you f**k about with a sound desk.

“I should’ve really thought this through before splashing out on monitor speakers and getting a load of flyers printed for my club night. Fingers crossed they start vaccinating dreadlocked stoners soon.”