MEN are self-contained creatures, so being in a relationship can be a terrifying experience. These are the daunting new responsibilities they face.
Being nice
Being cheerful and pleasant all the time is an effort for men, who are naturally deep and introspective. But they try, and even manage to do things like visiting clothes shops without weeping with boredom, or being a tolerably competent lover to their girlfriend but not her friends or sister. These are remarkable achievements men should should be lavished with praise for.
Remembering things
Men are very logical, so they like to focus on clear, pressing goals such as getting pissed at the weekend. Therefore expecting him to remember your GP appointment a week on Friday is asking too much. Men also have an enormous capacity for pointless facts and trivia, so it’s unfair to expect him to store yet more data like your birthday or surname. In fact forgetting your name entirely is why you are referred to as darling, hun, babe and love.
Doing things
Girlfriends are weird and enjoy doing pointless things: going for a walk without it ending in a pub; pottering around a charming local market; going to parties to socialise rather than in the vague hope of finding someone to shag. This last one is particularly baffling – isn’t the whole point of a relationship being able to watch TV every night and still get regular sex?
Sharing
Relationships require a degree of sharing, whether it’s time, feelings or chips. However men and women’s concept of sharing is different. For him, ‘sharing’ means ‘one crisp’. She will assume that items of clothing her boyfriend is allowed to purchase will become her loungewear or nightwear after their first use. The sooner men learn the rule ‘What’s yours is mine and what’s mine’s my own’ the stronger your relationship will be.
Repressing urges
A single man is free to burp, fart and scratch his balls, but in a relationship these things give a partner ‘the ick’ and are strictly forbidden. In fact a ridiculous number of perfectly normal, healthy urges are verboten: eating a girlfriend’s chocolate, feigning illness when you’re due to visit in-laws, rubbing one out the second you are alone. It’s unnatural, but see the earlier ‘regular sex’ point.
Being husband material
Girlfriends often see boyfriends as a potential life partner, after obvious modifications. As a result they must ditch the sweat-stained gig t-shirts and cease childish hobbies such as assembling a vast army of tiny Space Marines. Girlfriends don’t live in a fantasy world like this. They need a boyfriend to become a responsible father to the adorable imaginary children they have already named and invented eligible partners for.
