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So whose f**king fault was that, then? A Mash investigation

ENGLAND lost, and it cannot be the fault of the country, our brave boys who gave everything, or the fans. So which knobhead is to blame this time? We investigate.

The manager

Thomas Tuchel was hired on the specific understanding he would not bollocks up a semi-final by going defensive and making the wrong substitutions. He did exactly that. Is it not, then, entirely his fault that Argentina scored twice in seven minutes? It clearly is. He should resign and walk into the wilderness to meditate on his failure until death.

The referee

Normally, England are victim to an outrageously biased refereeing decision the match turns upon so it is all the referee’s fault. This did not happen last night, and in a way does that not make it the referee’s fault? For not redressing a historical imbalance and sending Enzo Fernández off for nothing early doors, did he not condemn England to failure?

Gianni Infantino

Clearly wanted US-based so-called ‘best player ever’ Messi in the final, to promote football to rich Americans who’ve ruined baseball and basketball for themselves. Was it his bald Mr Bean face there in the stands, sneering at us, that caused England to become overly defensive for the last 30 minutes?

Mick Jagger

Talking of twats in the stands. The camera kept cutting to the sagging, bloodhound-retired-on-health-grounds face of the Rolling Stones singer, thoroughly jaded at what he was seeing. Sorry it wasn’t good enough for you, Sir Mick. No wonder England were as exhausted as your girlfriend trying to coax an erection out of you under that glare.

Margaret Thatcher

There’s bad blood between England and Argentina, and that’s down to her. Thatcher, who seized on the Falklands invasion to boost her flagging popularity, gave the team ample motivation to beat us not just in 1986 but in every game since. Why couldn’t the big-haired bitch have settled things diplomatically?

Adolf Eichmann

The architect of the Holocaust spent a decade in Argentina spreading his anti-British views, a poison which directly led to Lautaro Martinez’s 92-minute winner last night. Also to blame: Germany, Catholic bishops and by extension the entire Catholic church and the Pope, US counterintelligence and the US itself. All must go so England can win.

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Starmer moved that everyone wrote 'goodbye and good luck' in leaving card

THE prime minister is genuinely touched that his colleagues wrote the most generic of messages in his leaving card, he has revealed.

The card, which says ‘Happy Birthday’ in big letters on the front and still has the price sticker on it, brought Keir Starmer close to tears thanks to the cold, empty platitudes it contains.

He said: “This is so heartwarming. It’s always hard to know if your co-workers like you when you’re the boss, but these vague well-wishes are proof I’ll be missed.

“Look how they’ve written their goodbyes really small and in the corners. They probably wanted to leave room for the hundreds of Labour MPs yet to sign the card. Although a lot were too busy, which is fair enough.

“I’m sure they wanted to write longer, more personal messages, but nobody likes it when someone hogs the pen. That also explains why they didn’t leave their names. The mad jostle to write in the card must have been crazy!”

Former deputy PM Angela Rayner said: “Yes, I doubt anyone was itching to write ‘Well you f**ked that, didn’t you?’ or ‘Good riddance, you total charisma vacuum who’s somehow managed to be hated by literally everyone’. 

“As I was thinking what to write the words ‘Thank God that’s over’ kept going through my mind. But in the end I just went with ‘Great working with you’.”

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