Man congratulates himself on seven days of not drinking much

A MAN who went for pretty much a week without drinking a massive amount has given himself a pat on the back for his restraint.

Martin Bishop, 40, decided that after years of heavy drinking it was time to turn his life around and get marginally less pissed.

Bishop said: “I decided for the sake of my health and my children I needed to make some tough choices. The first of these was no drinks before 2pm on a weekday.

“Drawing on my inner strength and the support of family and friends, I stayed completely dry before 2pm for five whole days. The next obstacle was to reduce my evening’s intake to three pints of lager, and four at the weekend.

“It wasn’t easy. Already being on pint three when it was only 8.30pm felt like I had a mountain to climb. But with just a crafty shot of vodka, I managed to do it. Actually it was a double. A pub single barely gets the glass wet.”

Now feeling fitter and more clear-headed, Bishop is planning to take part in a marathon.

He said: “It starts at 11am in the Bull and Bush where I’ll be drinking solidly with mates until 2am. You only do something like this once in a lifetime so I’ve got to celebrate.”

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Queen urged to f**k up his hair at the very least

THE Queen has been told that if she is to meet Donald Trump, the least she can do is mess up his hair.

With the president due to visit in July, the British public and even other royals feel the Queen should wait until he is kneeling then go in for a ruffle.

A palace source said: “Harry and Wills have been studying pictures and they reckon if she can get a hand under she can dislodge the whole hairplate.

“It’s rock-hard so he can’t comb it back into place like normal hair, and he’ll have to do the full set of official photos with his hair hanging off to one side like the lid of a wheelie bin.

“Then we’ll usher him straight outside and see what the wind can do. Hopefully it’ll flap about and hit him in the face a few times, or it might come loose entirely and fly off like a frisbee.”

Queen Elizabeth II said: “I’m up for it. It’ll be hilarious seeing the big orange twat with his syrup all messed up. That will be well wicked.”