Office bastards set air conditioning to ‘freezing’ for next six months

THE annual bitter conflict over what temperature the air conditioning should be set at has begun in offices across Britain.

As the days grow warmer, battle lines are being drawn over whether it is better to sit in a noxious fug of other people’s BO or have to bring in a jumper and fingerless gloves.

Data inputter Tom Logan said: “The air-conditioning Nazis want me to freeze my bollocks off while looking out of the window at the lovely warm weather.

“If you change the temperature by even a degree they suddenly appear at your desk to ‘just mention it to you’ in a friendly but menacing way, like the Mafia giving you a warning before they ‘whack’ you.

“The actual winter was long enough without perpetuating it indoors. I’d honestly rather put up with the mingled smell of 25 sets of armpits.”

Colleague Nikki Hollis said: “Any hint of warm weather means the air conditioning must immediately be set to very cold. Tom made his position clear when he suggested I could cool down by spinning round very fast in my chair.

“This disrespectful attitude will be dealt with, possibly by turning the air-con down so low his fingers freeze and snap off.”

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What will be in Prince William’s best man speech?

NAZI fancy dress? Yes. Teenage dabbling in booze and drugs? Yes. Being ginger? Yes. Let’s face it, Prince William’s best man speech has pretty much written itself. Here are some extracts.

On Harry being ginger…

“Not only was Harry the second-born, and therefore shitter, prince, he was also ginger. This gave me an excellent excuse to rib him about who his real dad is, given that the only other gingers in the family are our mental aunt Fergie and granny’s corgies.”

On underage drinking…

“Even though we had access to the finest wines known to humanity, Harry liked to get the bus to Cirencester to smoke wacky baccy and drink Frosty Jack’s with the local plebs. I don’t think that’s what people mean when they say it’s good to have the ‘common touch’.”

On punching out a tabloid photographer…

“An unfortunate incident from Harry’s phase of going to tacky nightclubs with people from Made In Chelsea. If you hang out with pissed-up young toffs it’s bound to end in trouble – but that’s enough about me going for a drink with Harry last night!”

On dressing up as a Nazi and calling an army colleague a ‘raghead’…

“Many people construed these events as racist, but poor old Harry was just having some japes and was misunderstood, in much the way our grandfather Prince Philip has been for the last 96 years.”