Subscribe

Man who's technically had sex still pathetic virgin at heart

A MAN who in a physical sense has lost his virginity is still a sexless loser deep down in his soul.

Jack Browne, aged 20, has undisputedly had sexual intercourse but nevertheless carries with him the unmistakeable aura of someone who has never touched a woman in his life.

He explained: “I thought that when I finally put my penis into a vagina that everything would magically change. You know, like in films.

“After I first made love to my university girlfriend, I saw myself swaggering out of the room completely purged of all my teenage anxieties and hobbies and personality. A new man, sexually confident and effortlessly alluring. But I’m exactly the same.

“It was just a real let down to see a pair of boobs in real life and discover that I still want to play Warhammer and I don’t magically look good in a leather jacket.

“I haven’t lost faith in sex turning my life around. I just think I need more of it. So I’m making a spreadsheet tracking my level of sexual activity against my perceived raw sexual charisma to see if sustained intercourse produces better results for my self-image.

“Oh my God, that is the most virgin shit I could possibly do.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Six people who annoy all the right people but are still dicks

THROW a rock at your television and you’ll almost certainly hit someone wrong, but it takes a special set of skills to be right and still invite masonry-pitchers. Like these six: 

Joe Wicks

You are well aware of the fact that when you get up off a sofa it sounds like an angry ghost punching a bag of Scrabble tiles on a bed of Spam. But he’s perky and annoying, and while he’s telling fast food companies they’re evil you strongly suspect he’s your girlfriend’s go-to sexual baseline while she begins to imagine she’s somewhere, anywhere, else.

Owen Jones

Interviewing Reform voters in the street and making them look thick is like using an AR-15 to shoot a shoal of brain-damaged fish in a barrel resembling the smoking area of a Wetherspoons. All Owen does is encourage their idiocy then grin smugly. Yes they’re dicks, but you spent the Brexit years dancing with pom-poms around Jeremy Corbyn.

Chris Martin

Lemmy never gave to charity, collected WWII memorabilia that leaned worryingly toward one side in particular and wrote Ace Of Spades. Chris Martin’s humanitarian work has saved millions, he lives in an authentically caring manner and has written songs that do not all sound like Ace Of Spades. But you prefer Lemmy. Such is the fickle nature of fame.

Zack Polanski

He can have as many good ideas about privatising one set of arseholes while properly taxing another set of arseholes as he likes. But he will never not be the bloke who tried to voodoo a woman into G-cup naturals, he will never not have been a Lib Dem and he will never not have the personality of a substitute drama teacher.

Piers Morgan

Hey, he got that bloke bang to rights on his show the other week, didn’t he? Made him look a right idiot. Anyway, here’s a clip of him pretending not to know what a pronoun is or why ordering your army to shoot children in the forehead is a bad thing. Not so much a stopped clock as a halted twat.

Greta Thunberg

The planet is dying, the point of no return was hurtled past years ago, rampant capitalism will not rest until the last breath of clean air is monetised, and nobody with the power to change it seems to care. We get it. You’re right. So can you please stop glaring at me like I’m in the middle of fisting a panda? F**king Scandinavians, always holier-than-thou.

Next story ›