Middle-class mum getting that new kitchen feeling

A MIDDLE-CLASS mother is getting that thrilling tingle which means her entire kitchen needs to be torn out and replaced.

Joanna Kramer of Derby found herself in her kitchen on Thursday with a rising feeling of excitement at the thought of ripping out all her tired old units and giving the heart of the home a proper refresh.

She said: “I didn’t even know I was thinking it until I started picturing my hand trailing across a worktop of sintered stone rather than this tired old marble. Now I can’t wait.

“After all, this kitchen’s been in what, nine years? And what’s fresh in 2013 is old and stale today. This rustic shaker style’s as outdated and irrelevant as Nick Clegg. It makes me shudder being in here.

“No, I’ve ordered all the catalogues and I’ll spend a few months leafing through, taking my time to savour the decision-making process. Cupboards or open shelving? Ceramic or induction hobs? Should we move the sink to the island?

“Such a rousing feeling to know all this dreary grey will soon be in a skip and it’ll all be thrillingly new. I’m thinking copper hardware and weathered larch. Ooh.”

Husband James Kramer said: “So that’s why she initiated sex last night. Also, no f**king way.”

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How to make sure everyone knows you're not watching the World Cup

MADE the difficult decision not to watch the World Cup for ethical reasons? Worried there are people who haven’t heard? Here’s how to tell them:

Go round to theirs

Boycotting the World Cup at home on your own is easy but pointless. Only the postman will see, and he might not understand the deep implications of you watching The Sopranos at 3pm. Go to a friend’s house and before you step over the threshold insist no screen in the house is showing this sportwashing violation of human rights.

Post on social media

Not Twitter, every prick’s ethical there. But on Facebook, where the benighted expect they can just watch England games as if this were a normal tournament, you can really do some work. Post throughout games about the slaves that built the stadiums and the complicity of everyone watching. Be the hero they need.

Go to the pub

Turn up for a group game fans are wrongly excited about, like Poland vs Argentina, seat yourself out of sight of the screen and explain to the barman you must have table service because you cannot see a second of the game because of Qatar’s LGBT laws. Tell him he is welcome to pass this information to no-doubt curious drinkers.

Shun the sweepstake

Workplace doing the traditional sweepstake? Email the whole place explaining that you will not be able to take part on moral grounds, will not be taking advantage of the offer to watch in the canteen, and indeed will consider it an act of violence if anyone so much as informs you of the scores. You got Senegal in the sweepstake anyway.

Invite everyone round for a World Cup party

Next Tuesday, for the 7pm England-Wales group game, covers most bases. Invite everyone you haven’t already alienated, put beers in the fridge and party nibbles on trays, then settle everyone in front of the TV for a screening of FIFA Uncovered, the documentary about the corruption that led us to this footballing nadir. Confiscate phones at the door.