Middle class woman refusing to give Ocado driver five stars because he said 'ain't'

A WOMAN is unable to give the driver who delivered her weekly shopping a five-star rating because his grammar let him down.

Helen Archer is diligent about providing feedback regarding the service she receives from Ocado, which she has always found to be ‘delightful considering the lives these people must lead’.

Archer said: “When I expressed my dismay at being allocated spelt and rye bread instead of spelt and sunflower, the driver said it ‘ain’t a problem’ for him to take back substitutions.

“Everything else was fine, but I don’t think it’s helpful to Ocado if I let this sort of thing slide. Not to mention that my children heard everything.

“I’m happy for them to be exposed to different dialects within reason, but a blatant grammatical contraction being spoken without shame on my own doorstep is too much. So, no, Keith will not be getting five-star feedback.

“The worst bit was that when I pointed out he had said a word that doesn’t actually exist he just smiled, thanked me and walked back to his van. I suppose some people just don’t want to succeed in life.”

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How to destroy your self-esteem by comparing yourself to celebrities

DO you secretly suspect that celebrities are better people than you? You are correct. Here’s how to destroy your self-esteem by comparing yourself to them.

Ignore their upbringing

Lots of famous people had rich parents with industry connections and went to fancy schools, so of course they were going to do alright. Just don’t think about celebrities who hit the big time thanks to hard work and talent or you’ll get more depressed.

Focus on their appearance

How come celebrities are smoking hot but you look like shit? Could it be because it’s part of their job so they have teams of people dedicated to making them look attractive for the cameras? Partly that, but they also have better genetics than you.

Obsess over their age

Waste your life by calculating how old successful actors and musicians must have been when they started doing their most iconic work, even though the answer’s always: very young. Then try to remember what you were doing when you were that age, even though the answer’s always: f**k all.

Assess your own life so far

Counting your life’s achievements on one hand is always a bad idea, even without factoring superstars into the equation. Sure, Harry Styles might be a famous singer, actor and pioneer of gender-fluid fashion, but you once found a fiver you’d forgotten about in an old pair of jeans back in 1998, so who’s the real winner?

Google their net worth

You’re only ever a few clicks away from looking up how much more valuable celebrities are than you in financial terms. Console yourself by pretending that if you somehow become a billionaire you’d do something more worthwhile with your cash, even though the truth is you would also waste it on cars and drugs.