The traditional Christmas films arseholes will force you to watch

IT’S coming up to Christmas, which means some tosser will make you sit next to them to watch a Christmas movie they love and you don’t. Like these:

Miracle on 34th Street

It’s an ironclad rule: movies with Santa in suck. Yes, all of them, yes the one with Tim Allen, yes the one with Dudley Moore. And this one combines all the suckage of a Santa movie with the bullshit of a courtroom drama where the highlight is the emptying of mailbags.

Scrooged

There are very few Bill Murray films that aren’t classics – even his cameo in Space Jam elevates it – and this is one of them. The story of an asshole forced by magical circumstances to stop being an asshole is way better in Groundhog Day, which has snow in it so you may as well just watch that.

Die Hard

It may be a Christmas film, as is the sequel, but that doesn’t mean it’s fun to watch at Christmas. Nobody hates yuppies now as vehemently as they did in the 80s, so seeing one murdered in cold blood doesn’t exactly fill the heart with seasonal cheer.

Love Actually

The second movie in a row where Alan Rickman ruins Christmas Eve, this garage-bought box of Ferrero Rocher is an ensemble piece in which every member of the achingly middle-class cast is a dick who doesn’t deserve to find a quid in the street, never mind love.

Home Alone

A child abandoned by his uncaring family turns his house into a Saw-style murder maze in which two men are horribly tortured and mutilated while he laughs maniacally. It honestly would have been kinder if he’d just shot them. Merry Christmas.

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Squeezing fruit: five unacceptable things to do in a supermarket during a pandemic

WITH Christmas fast approaching, you’ll be spending a frightening amount of time and money in the supermarket. But what should you definitely not do while shopping during a pandemic?

Loiter near the meat

Mindlessly browsing in the supermarket really isn’t on now – although it was pretty heinous before Covid. You do NOT need to spend 15 minutes in front of the pork chops. They are just chops. And it isn’t okay to wrestle with other shoppers when the butcher emerges from cold storage with a pallet of marked-down mince.

Chat with the cashiers

In the olden days you could shoot the breeze with the checkout staff to your heart’s content. Especially if you wanted to piss off people queuing behind. But now you should make it like a high-tension SAS operation. Shopping? Bagged. Affirmative. Card – swiped. Nectar points – collected. Lego cards – yes, I am collecting. Now go, go, go!

Squeeze fruit

Pre-Covid, shoppers were allowed to grope as much fruit and veg as they liked. Not anymore. In fact if someone so much as runs their finger along a Honeydew melon they don’t fully intend to buy a team of shelf-stackers should roughly bundle them into the storeroom for a ticking off from the duty manager.

Sing along to the store muzak

This is a time of paranoia and panic, so it is not appropriate to sing along to Slade’s ‘Merry Christmas Everybody’. Also, all Christmas music is shit, except ‘Stop the Cavalry’, so there’s no need to generate more of it.

Stuff your face while you browse

We’ve all had a nibble on food that technically still belongs to the supermarket. But no more – mandatory masks have scuppered that. You could probably slip some crisps under your PPE without compromising its integrity, but think first – does it look a bit ‘common’?

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