Man still longing to drive car he drew when he was eight

A MAN has admitted he secretly wishes he could drive the outlandish car he drew when he was eight.

Sales manager Roy Hobbs said he would love to own the child’s idea of the ideal car, which features several gun turrets and ‘rocket boosters’.

Hobbs said: “It may not be an obvious status symbol like a top-of-the-range BMW but it does have a massive gatling gun on top, which would make it easy to find in a car park.

“BMWs, and in fact most cars designed by adults, also don’t have armour plating and a large recreation area in the back containing a TV, Atari games console and loads of Monster Munch.

“And ammo, obviously.”

Hobbs confirmed the car would change colour according to his whim, and that it contained extending skis should he ever be chased through a snowy landscape by ‘enemies’.

He added: “I’m not saying I don’t like my Vauxhall Vectra but it doesn’t have a hatch that fires mines out of the back, which would be handy if someone’s right up your arse.”

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Not being able to remember colleague's name reaching crisis point

A MAN who has been addressing a colleague as ‘Hi!’ for the last three years has acknowledged it is too late to find out her name.

Tom Booker, who started his job at a medium-sized marketing company three years ago, now lives in terror of having to introduce her and looking a bit weird.

He said: “On my first day she introduced herself but I didn’t quite catch it. I was going to ask her to remind me the next day but she remembered my name, so it was too embarrassing.

“I can’t ask any of my colleagues because they’ll think it’s really strange I don’t know the name of Woman Who Sometimes Wears A Green Coat after three whole years.

“I think it might be Sarah, or Sophie. Come to think of it, it might not have been an ‘S’ name at all, it could have been Anna, or Andrea. Anastasia? No, I’d remember that.

“Now I’m fucking terrified I’ll get caught in a situation where I’m expected to introduce her to someone. I can feel the mortifying embarrassment and time slowing down just imagining it.

“It almost happened the other day but I managed to run off shouting ‘SORRY! HAVING AN EXPLOSIVE DIARRHOEA ATTACK AGAIN!’.  

“Unfortunately I can’t rely on quick thinking like that every time.”