Friday, 4th December 2020

M&S lingerie range implies M&S shoppers have sex

SHOPPERS at M&S are affronted by a new range of lingerie that implies they are the kind of people who have sex. 

Lingerie in the new Boutique line features lace trimming, sexy cut-outs and satin fabrics associated with the kind of sweaty physical lovemaking that M&S shoppers find abhorrent.

Eleanor Shaw said: “I should not be confronted with this filth. I am the holder of a Sparks card.

“Nowhere else in the store would sex dare to rear its filthy head. The men’s jeans are cut in a way that implies having a cock is childish. The ladies’ boots are so eminently sensible even Boris Johnson couldn’t get aroused.

“Normally it’s the same for the underwear, every item a slap with a damp rag in the face of passion.

“But these items are straight out of a bordello. Why? Do I give the impression, as I purchase a sensible anorak, that I f**k?

“You are mistaken, M&S. You slur my character. I would switch to John Lewis but there isn’t one round here.”