M&S lingerie range implies M&S shoppers have sex

SHOPPERS at M&S are affronted by a new range of lingerie that implies they are the kind of people who have sex. 

Lingerie in the new Boutique line features lace trimming, sexy cut-outs and satin fabrics associated with the kind of sweaty physical lovemaking that M&S shoppers find abhorrent.

Eleanor Shaw said: “I should not be confronted with this filth. I am the holder of a Sparks card.

“Nowhere else in the store would sex dare to rear its filthy head. The men’s jeans are cut in a way that implies having a cock is childish. The ladies’ boots are so eminently sensible even Boris Johnson couldn’t get aroused.

“Normally it’s the same for the underwear, every item a slap with a damp rag in the face of passion.

“But these items are straight out of a bordello. Why? Do I give the impression, as I purchase a sensible anorak, that I f**k?

“You are mistaken, M&S. You slur my character. I would switch to John Lewis but there isn’t one round here.”

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Whole generation missing out on chance to go on gap year and become pricks

A WHOLE generation of teenagers are being deprived of the chance to spend three months pissing about in Southeast Asia and then base their entire personalities on the experience. 

Experts are concerned that the pandemic is preventing thousands of nascent twats taking cheap party drugs and enjoying mundane tourist experiences they will bore other people with for the rest of their lives.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Without gap years, these idiots will have nothing to form their whole adult identities around.

“And without their naff shell necklaces and sacred Thai wrist tattoos that actually translate to say things like ‘dickwad’, how will the rest of society recognise them as bellends and know to avoid them?

“It’s yet another demonstration of how Covid-19 is robbing young people of opportunities, and their parents of the chance to get f**king rid of them.”

Recent A-level student Jack Browne said: “Not to worry. I can still be a massive prick at home.”