Mum buys presents to everyone from the f**king dog

A MOTHER with an overly affectionate relationship with the family dog has presented everyone with gifts purportedly from him.

Susan Traherne, aged 56, has purchased and wrapped gifts for her family which she is claiming are from Shih Tzu Bobby, and prompted everyone to thank him for his festive generosity.

Son Stephen said: “I first realised something was up when she passed me a ‘very special’ present wrapped in Christmas paper with bones on. There was a paw print on the gift tag.

“It turns out she’s bought – sorry, ‘Bobby’ has bought me a Remington beard trimmer. It must have been upward of 30 quid. It’s not even a dog-appropriate gift.

“He earns no money and has no concept of Christ’s birth. He’s a dog with dozens of tartan coats, fancy collars, and plush beds, too lazy to go for walks and too f**king mollycoddled to chew a bone. But hints are being dropped that I should have got him something.

“I’m not prepared to entertain this sick charade. He’s not my brother. He didn’t buy or wrap that. He’s a f**king dog.”

Susan Traherne said: “Oh, poor Bobby. Look, he’s sad, you’ve hurt his feelings at Christmas.”

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Ebenezer Scrooge answers Bob Cratchit's request for a cost-of-living pay rise

Dear Cratchit,

The HR department has received your missive requesting an increase in your salary. At Christmas, no less. 

You say this is due to double-digit inflation caused by the Crimean War and the continued financial fallout following the United States’ exit from the Empire. To which I say ‘Humbug’.

Yes, Yankee-sceptic the Duke of Wellington used the side of a horse-drawn omnibus to widely advertise the 350 guineas we send to the colonies each week which could be used to establish boards of health instead.

Unfortunately the subsequent collapse of British industry has levied severe fiscal pressure on our core business here at Scrooge and Marley.

It had been hoped a trade deal to export woollen broadcloth to Prussia negotiated by Whig MP Jacob Rees-Mogg the First would help stabilise the economy, but the discovery that Prussia has its own thriving wollen broadcloth manufacturers was foreseen by no-one save a few malcontents in the newspapers.

The recent outbreak of cholera and the subsequent lockdowns have also had a detrimental effect on the business, necessitating the purchase of large amounts of leeches from Mone Apothecaries which turned out to be mere flatworms.

As a result of these misfortunes, none of which for we can be considered in any way culpable, your request for an extra penny a fortnight has been summarily rejected.

Furthermore, to build a buccaneering Scrooge & Marley Ltd, we will be cancelling all work-from-hovel rights with immediate effect and requiring our sole employee – you – to work long hours at high intensity while seated at a high desk writing in a ledger.

Yours, E Scrooge Esq