Mum plans entire life around not turning right into traffic

A WOMAN carefully plans every car journey she makes around not having to do any right-hand turns.

Emma Bradford also has a wide range of other non-negotiable driving policies including not going anywhere she might have to parallel park, avoiding the motorway and not driving in the dark.

Bradford’s husband Nathan said: “First it was not driving in heavy rain. Then it was avoiding any towns in rush hour. Now she won’t go anywhere if she can’t evaluate the size of the car park on Google Maps first.

“Basically, if she can only turn left the whole way, never have to reverse, not have to do a hill start and be guaranteed a space with no other vehicles parked within ten metres, she’s totally fine.”

Emma Bradford said: “Not taking right-hand turns does slightly restrict where I can go and who I can be friends with, but if my sister really cared about me, she would move.

“If a car journey does involve a right-hand turn, I’ll happily take two buses instead. It’s a roundabout way but I’ve convinced the kids that an hour’s commute to school is a fun adventure rather than a massive pain in the arse.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Six wedding themes that say 'We can't back out now because we've already paid the deposit'

SOME weddings are simple affairs where all that matters is love. Others are clearly a big distraction from the inevitable break-up. Like these.

Destination wedding

A great option if you want family and friends to be as financially burdened and annoyed about your wedding as you are. What better way to get their blessing than force them to spend several hundred pounds on flights to Sri Lanka because you think a beach wedding will look nice on Instagram?

Festival wedding

This one is personal, because it celebrates that time you and your partner got off your tits on MDMA at Shambala and declared your love for one another. Neither of you are sure you actually meant it, but your parents have paid for the food vans, bands and ruinously expensive yurts now, so it’s not up for discussion.

Christmas wedding

As well as burdening everyone financially, why don’t you make sure you massively inconvenience them too? Getting married on Christmas Day means they have to change their usual plans and also bankrupt themselves with festive period travel prices. The guilt of knowing you’re the reason your best man missed his last Christmas with his gran will keep you together for a good five years longer than you should be.

Disney wedding

Nothing screams ‘this marriage is doomed’ louder than a wedding based around unrealistic happily-ever-after stories from children’s films. It will be a tacky fancy dress nightmare for your guests, who will only be able to alleviate the misery of the day by placing bets on how many weeks your union is going to last.

Eco-friendly wedding

While using recycled elements in your wedding sounds like it’s going to be cheaper, it actually costs way more than buying a load of plastic tat and then binning it after. And, while an ethically sourced menu and biodegradable confetti are better for the environment, what would have been best of all is if you realised you had commitment issues a year ago and didn’t bother in the first place.