Names for bread and other things Northerners are bloody obsessed with

NORTHERNERS are a proud race with strong opinions, unfortunately about things the rest of the nation couldn’t give a shit about. Here are some of their hot button topics.

Rugby League

You might think ‘rugger’ is all gilets and pints at Twickenham, but there’s a different, more violent, type of rugby up North. One where the fans don’t sing hymns about slavery and the star player is normally the hardest lad from the nearby Wigan council estate. It’s as Northern as believing lunch is dinner, dinner is tea and supper can f**k off.

Names for bread

The North is militant about hyper-local names for bread. Drive two miles down the road and you’ll find yourself beaten to death for ordering a bacon ‘roll’ in the wrong part of Lancashire. Whether it’s the ‘crust’ or ‘heel’ of the loaf is contentious, but the debate goes nuclear over names for handheld bread. Avoid using these words for your own safety: batch, cake, bun, bap, barm, bin lid, pudding, stottie or cob. Order a salad instead. If you can find one. Which you can’t.

Where it actually begins

An obsession shared with Southern ponces. The North has never been sure where it begins – for some London-centric elitists, it’s anything outside the M25. For bluff, pie-eating, living-cliche Northern bastards it’s nothing below Yorkshire. The only thing that’s certain is no one wants to claim the bombed out, identity-less cesspit of The Midlands.

Not wearing coats

A badge of honour for Northerners is their total refusal to wear a coat in almost any circumstances. On a ‘big night out’ no one will admit it’s a massive f**king mistake even while they turn first blue with cold then black with gangrene. In terms of obsessions it‘s up there with ‘How cheap pints are up here’, ‘Before t’pit closed down…’ and ‘You can’t get proper mushy peas down South’.  

Talking to each other

It’s an accepted notion that Northerners are ‘more friendly’, so forget about a moment of silent contemplation on the bus because there they are, being chatty. Making small talk with everyone – shop assistants, the doctor performing their colonoscopy, the masked intruder burgling their home. However it’s possible the entire ‘friendly Northerner’ idea is an error of perception, and in fact they just won’t shut up about the North.

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We'd be f**ked without chips, admit vegetarians

VEGETARIANS have admitted their dietary choice would crumble in seconds were it not for the existence of chips.

Herbivorous people have all admitted they would be frantically gnawing on a rack of ribs, devouring a bucket of fried chicken or possibly biting into a live cow if they could not enjoy delicious long chunks of fried potato.

Vegetarian Martin Bishop said: “Chips make up at least 80 per cent of the average vegetarian’s diet. Get rid of them and we’d look even more pale and emaciated than we already are, if that’s possible.

“Have you seen the other shit we’re forced to pretend to enjoy? Chunks of tasteless Quorn matter and bland Linda McCartney fish-style fingers? Chips are the one beacon of hope in our otherwise grim and desolate plant-based lives. We’d kill ourselves without them.

“Everyone thinks it’s bacon that will break us, but they’re wrong. Take a vegetarian to a place that doesn’t serve chips and you’ll quickly see them make allowances for eating meat on dubious medical grounds.”

He added: “You never see a vegetarian order a side of salad, do you? I rest my case.”