How to lay the groundwork for cancelling on your friends this evening

GOT plans with friends but don’t want to go? Here’s how to start laying the groundwork for getting out of them.

Mention a minor ailment well ahead of time

A few days before, casually drop into conversation that you’ve had a bit of a funny tummy, or feel like you’ve got a migraine brewing. This means that when you inevitably cancel two hours before you’re due to meet, they can’t accuse you of being a flakey twat. They’ll just think it in their head.

Give them an opportunity to cancel first

On the day, text your friend early in the morning with a lukewarm reminder that makes it easy for them to back out, for example: ‘Have you remembered about later? No worries if not.’ Hopefully they’re as antisocial as you and are sitting at home thanking their lucky stars that they don’t have to sit in a pub with you for three long hours.

Add a potential get-out that can be blamed on your partner

If they’re still up for meeting, reply equally enthusiastically but mention that your partner had to take the car to work this morning, but you’re sure they’ll be back in time for you to drive over this evening, and that the weird knocking sound coming from the engine will probably just go away on its own. 

Go silent for several hours

Don’t reply to your friend’s texts for five hours in the vain hope that they’ll think you’re throwing up or lying down with a terrible headache. You’ll have to resist going on WhatsApp for the duration or your friend will know you’re ignoring them, but it will be a small sacrifice if it means you get to stay in and watch The Apprentice.

Tell a flat-out, blatant lie

You’ve given them ample opportunity to let you off the hook, so the only option they’ve left you is telling them a massive fib. Combine your previous white lies for best effect and leave them a panicky voice note claiming you’ve just been sick in the back of a taxi after rescuing your partner from a lay-by. They won’t believe you, but they might begrudgingly appreciate the effort you’ve gone to.

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Zelensky allowed to take whatever he likes from Warhammer shop

PRESIDENT Zelensky’s trip to London included a visit to the flagship Warhammer store where he was allowed to take whatever he wanted.

The Ukrainian leader asked the prime minister and MPs to provide him with fighter jets to counter Russia’s spring offensive, but due to Britain’s run-down military resources was taken to the Tottenham Court Road branch of Warhammer instead.

Denys Finch Hatton, MP for Broxbourne, said: “We told him we had one final stop before he flew to Paris and snuck him in the back door. He saw where he was and his face lit up.

“If there’s one defence industry Britain excels at, it’s making tiny plastic models of spiky men for tabletop gaming. We couldn’t let him leave without filling his boots.

“He ran around loading a squad of Ork Tankbustas, a Daemon Primarch, a Blood Bowl set and a full Balefleet Battleforce into his basket. How’s Macron going to beat that? Trolley dash around a boulangerie?

“When Zelensky’s in his bunker, bombs falling above him, he’ll be able to forget his troubles by entering a fantasy dystopian future of endless conflict while he finishes the fine detailing on his Ravenwing Darkshroud.”

Finch Hatton was then presented with the bill and responded: “How f**king much? We could have given him a f**king fighter jet for that.”