10 celebrities to think of during sex your partner should be flattered by

IMAGINING someone else during sex is somehow ‘wrong’. But your partner can’t complain about these celebrity shags who reflect well on them.

Tina Fey

Extremely talented, creating, writing and performing in 30 Rock – which no one watched here, idiots – as well as Mean Girls. Your girlfriend should be impressed you’re a great guy who really respects the achievements of your imaginary sex partner Tina who you prefer to her.

Chris Hemsworth

Just an incredibly good-looking chap. Any boyfriend or spouse ought to be delighted that someone with your high standards would also have sex with him. If you accidentally blurt out ‘I’m coming, Chris Hemsworth’ your partner should take it as a compliment.

Keira Knightley 

What woman wouldn’t want to be a poor substitute for Keira? Ms Knightley is not only the archetypal English rose, but also the archetypal posh sex fantasy, especially if you do it in a Regency drawing room. Therefore your partner must also be at least a bit classy too. Although Keira probably doesn’t belch and proudly say ‘Better out than in!’.

Peter Jones 

Rich, good-looking and the most normal Dragon. Your partner can f**k off if he doesn’t like you banging Peter on his spotlessly clean luxury yacht followed by a meal made by his personal chef, because his idea of treating a woman to unimaginable luxury is getting two bags of prawn cocktail crisps so he doesn’t keep nicking yours.

Kate Beckinsale

You’ve been with Kate through the highs (Underworld), the lows (Pearl Harbor) and the somewhere-in-betweens (Jolt). Your loyalty is yet another of your desirable qualities, and is nothing to do with Ms Beckinsale’s role as a hot vampire chick in a skintight catsuit.

Martin Freeman 

Freeman comes across as a normal bloke in interviews, despite being catapulted to Hollywood stardom, so he’s definitely welcome in your hobbit hole. His big break was The Office, so your partner should be reassured you’re prepared to have sex with losers in dead-end jobs like him. 

Emily Maitlis

The well-informed blonde presenter looks like she’d be a goer in bed, what with all that pent-up rage about Prince Andrew’s transparent lies and BBC bias. So your girlfriend has in fact snagged herself a dead brainy boyfriend with a deep interest in news and current affairs.

Ewan McGregor 

Ewan is triply attractive because he’s also Obi-Wan Kenobi and Renton in Trainspotting, who looks like a lot of fun apart from the heroin overdoses. Your husband can’t complain about you porking Obi-Wan, because who else is going to sit through crap, continuity-knackering Star Wars spin-offs with him?

Miranda Richardson 

Superb in everything she does, from Dance with a Stranger to Absolutely Fabulous, so your partner is lucky to be going out with someone mentally cheating on her with such impeccable taste. Acting out your fantasy with her as squeaky-voiced psychopath Queen Elizabeth I might be pushing it a bit, though.

Steve McQueen

McQueen was impossibly cool, although probably a bit of a pain in real life due to his love of motorbikes, beer and sleeping with other women. Nonetheless, he’s a great sexual fantasy. The only danger arises if your boyfriend is a bit gay for him, in which case you might be shagging Steve McQueen who’s also shagging Steve McQueen, which will cause reality to implode.

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Religion far too woke, says Daily Mail

THE world’s major religions are sending out a sickeningly ‘woke’ message of love, peace and fairness, the Daily Mail has revealed.

In a strongly-worded editorial, the Mail argues that Christianity, Hinduism, Judaism and Islam are indoctrinating young people with left-wing ideas – possibly due to the influence of universities – such as handouts for the poor.

Christianity in particular encourages ‘rich-bashing’ in a stridently anti-capitalist parable about a camel and a needle, and fails to mention the benefits of Brexit or privatisation.

Daily Mail managing editor Norman Steele said: “On the face of it, Christianity has a positive message, such as leaving undesirables not welcome on the ark to drown. 

“The Bible is great on clamping down on sodomy and upholding traditional gender roles. And we should all be keeping up fine English traditions like going to church or being socially ostracised. 

“But on further investigation, the Bible turns out to be a hotbed of socialist messages that wouldn’t look out of place in a Jeremy Corbyn manifesto. 

“If you have two shirts, give away one to someone who has none? Surely if you have 200 shirts, let that be an example to the shirtless of how many shirts they could have if they worked harder or set up their own business?

“And Catholics have a catechism that goes: ‘God transcends the human distinction between the sexes. He is neither man nor woman. He is God.’ So He’s Eddie Izzard? It’s just typical of the trendy Catholic church to jump on the transgender bandwagon.

“It’s time to stop this madness and give someone else a chance. Hurrah for Satan!”