The progressive woman's guide to chores that still need to be done by men

EQUALITY has vastly improved, but let’s not get carried away. As far as household chores go, these need to remain the preserve of men, argues Donna Sheridan.

Taking out the bins

Everyone lost their shit when Theresa May said that taking out the bins was a boy’s job, but she only touched a nerve because she was right. Evolution and God have blessed men with powerful biceps specially designed to carry plastic rubbish sacks, and who are we to mess with their grand design? Our feeble female limbs would only spill them everywhere and make a mess.

Unclogging drains

Yes, the shower drain is usually blocked with manky woman hair, but this is a plumbing issue so it falls under a man’s remit. It has nothing to do with the fact that extracting a fistful of pubes from a pipe is disgusting and makes you retch. Women could unclog drains just as well, if not better, than men, but some glass ceilings aren’t meant to be smashed.

Cleaning the car

You’d like that, wouldn’t you? A woman working up a foamy lather as she scrubs down a car while wearing Daisy Duke cut-offs and a crop top? Shirking this chore is an act of emancipation from male oppression, which is convenient because it’s tedious and we f**king hate doing it. We can barely keep the inside of a car clean anyway, let alone the exterior.

Rewiring plugs

Obviously, more women need to get into STEM subjects. But only in school and the workplace. At home it’s best that things remain old-fashioned, meaning men take care of technical stuff. With something as dangerous as electricity, we feel so much safer if a man uses his vast scientific knowledge. Definitely. We wouldn’t just prefer to mess around with our makeup. No way.

Mowing the lawn

There’s nothing sexier than watching a red-faced man clumsily manoeuvre a lawn mower around a garden and wipe sweat from his brow, so don’t rob us of this simple erotic thrill. Don’t worry, we’ll repay the favour by reclining on a deckchair doing bugger all and topping up our sun tans. Can’t say fairer than that.

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Cyclist waving traffic past him managing to cause, solve and complicate problem

A CYCLIST with a long line of cars behind him is doing an excellent job of blocking traffic, trying to alleviate it, and confusing everyone in the process. 

Fanatical cyclist Martin Bishop has amassed a long snake of impatient motorists behind him, who he is directing to drive past him in an exciting game of chance with oncoming traffic.

Bishop said: “I’m not just a highly-skilled cyclist, I’m also a responsible road user who knows how to take control of the vast amount of cars I’ve forced to drive at 20mph behind me. 

“I can tell drivers appreciate me flailing an arm around to signal to them. I can’t think why they wouldn’t trust me, a man whose testicles can clearly be seen under my lycra shorts, to guide them safely past.

“I don’t know why they’re taking so long to pull out and drive on. Maybe they’re enjoying the view of my bony arse too much?

“Although I suspect some of them may be total idiots. Who could fail to understand that my ad hoc, gesticulation-based sign language means ‘I’m pretty sure a fast-moving Audi won’t appear out of nowhere’?”

Driver Eleanor Shaw said: “If I get stuck behind one more cyclist who expects me to slow down for them then obey their instructions to overtake them on a bend, I will take their sweat-wicking top and insert it in their arse.”