Five couples you know who say they're compatible but clearly f**king aren't

KNOW a couple who claim they’re meant to be together when they clearly hate each other’s guts? They’re probably one of these types.

The ones who chose each other based on looks

Your friend would have gone out with a serial killer if he was over six feet tall, had a six-pack and wasn’t beginning to thin on top. Luckily the guy she chose is just a bit of a dickhead rather than a psychopath, but sadly all they’ve got in common is taking a whole bloody hour to get ready in the morning.

The ones who have the same hobby

These two thought that because they have the same hobby they would never run out of things to talk about. They quickly did, but luckily cycle touring involves spending hours on end not speaking to each other, except to have a row about who forgot to turn Strava on again after the last stop to gulp disgusting energy gels in a windy lay-by.

The ones who post loved-up pictures on social media but argue all the time

This pair use social media solely for the purpose of posting gooey pictures of themselves hugging with captions like ‘My world’ and ‘4eva’. However, the second the phone is put down they’re bitching at each other about whose turn it is to put the bins out while secretly wishing they could summon the courage to break up.

The ones who’ve been together since school

Because they started going out when they were 16, they think they’re soulmates. The truth is they’ve been together so long and are so scarily dependent on each other they’re suffering some kind of reciprocal Stockholm syndrome and simply can’t function as separate entities anymore.

The ones with wildly different future plans

He wants kids, but she doesn’t. She wants to move to Milan but he loves going down the pub in Luton. He thinks polyamory is intriguing but she gets hideously jealous. And yet they insist they are made for each other and will be together forever. They won’t, and you and your own partner have already placed bets on how many more months you give it.

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Mum wants to know what pegging is

A CONFUSED, elderly mum would like her daughter to kindly explain exactly what the word ‘pegging’ means.

Mary Fisher, who enjoys knitting, gardening and spending time with her grandchildren, refuses to use Google to find out for herself because she does not want Bill Gates knowing her email address.

Fisher said: “I saw someone say ‘pegging’ on the ‘We Support William and Catherine’ Facebook group I’m part of, but no one there would give me a definition. 

“They all just said ‘LOL’, which I know means laughing at me. It can’t be pegging out washing, because Kate has servants to do that.

“That’s why I need to speak to Clare. If you can’t get your daughter to help you, who can you ask?”

Daughter Clare Fisher is now desperately avoiding her mother in the hope that she forgets about it.

Clare said: “This happened before, when she asked me to explain what a ‘vajazzle’ was after she saw it in a newspaper. Then she wouldn’t speak to me for a week.

“I think I’ll just tell her it’s a type of yoga move.”