Zelensky visits frontline of UK

THE President of Ukraine is visiting the UK for a harrowing tour of what happens when a country gives up fighting.

Volodymyr Zelensky, whose country is currently battling the twin enemies of Russia and corruption, has come to London to see what happens when Russian corruption is allowed to buy all the houses.

He said: “If I needed to strengthen my resolve, this trip has done it. We cannot end up as weak and broken as Britain.

“The buildings may still be standing, but everything from energy to food to football is owned and controlled by foreign powers. The people don’t have a piece of infrastructure to call their own.

“A disastrous push to ‘take back control’ has only worsened the situation. The government is in a state of permanent collapse. The beaten-down people accept any humiliations from their oppressors, so bereft are they of hope.

“We cannot end up like this once-proud nation, a vassal state for any conqueror with cash. We must fight, as Britain failed to, to avoid their fate of being divided up by aggressive countries and enslaved for endless profit.”

He added: “Also, where’s Boris? He never told me he wasn’t prime minister anymore. Is he running the resistance?”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Lee Anderson MP's guide to never spending more than 30p

TORY party deputy chair Lee Anderson is best known for his bullshit cooking advice for poor people. But why stop with meals when there’s so much more you can do for 30p?

Cook a delicious meal

Not spending more than 30p per person is easy if you budget properly and cook for yourself. Which today’s bone-idle dole scum won’t do, right, Tory pensioners? Anyway, a bag of flour is 58p and lasts forever and a tin of Asda dog food is 77p. Hey presto – budget beef wellington.

Get a job

This is the root of the problem with you scroungers, isn’t it? Don’t complain about not having a suit for interviews. A bin bag is 24p, so with a few alterations you’ve got a brand new dark suit. Personally I used to be a miner, so I know the value of hard graft. Took me a few years to work out which way round you hold a pickaxe though.  

Chat to friends on social media

Many public libraries only charge £1 for an hour, so for 30p you can have a whole 18 minutes of cruising the information superhighway. I’m a fan myself. I tend to post offensively simplistic bollocks, but that’s perfect for the thick, vindictive bastards who vote for me. 

Go the cinema

First, save up your 30ps. Today’s instant gratification credit card generation won’t want to hear it, but it’s what we did in the good old days. Buy a ticket for your family’s ‘designated film watcher’. Afterwards they can explain the story to everyone else and act out the action bits with their hands. Just a shame it’ll be The Black Panther Man or some other woke ‘hero’.

Go on holiday

Okay, you won’t be flying to Barbados, but if you live in say, Birmingham, why not have a holiday in Dudley? A park bench makes a great ‘hotel’ while you immerse yourself in an exotic culture with different roads and chip shops. And there’s no need to worry about your carbon footprint, because you won’t be flying and global warming is bollocks anyway.

Enjoy an interesting dream

Go to sleep and hope you dream you can fly or something, which is great value for 0p compared with £36 for Alton Towers. As an aside, I have a recurring dream where voters keep saying to me: ‘You’re out on your arse at the next election, Lee, you dense twat.’ How strange! That’s the thing with dreams, they’ve got hidden meanings.

Visit a site of historical interest

Many are free, so enjoy them before the woke mob replaces every traditional English building with a statue of Lenin. I get plenty of history myself by visiting the Commons regularly to give speeches full of tired cliches pandering to right-wing morons. I actually get paid for this, and it’s £84,143.70 more than 30p.