Having nails aggressively sanded and glued a real treat for the soul, women agree

WOMEN have confirmed that having a complete stranger shove their fingernails into various different boxes and layer paste on them is the highest form of relaxation.

Frequent nail salon visitor Lucy Parry said there was nothing like having hard ovals close to her sensitive fingertips sawed and plastered to make her feel calm and content.

Lucy said: “At the end of a long week, I like to treat myself by visiting a building that smells as chemical as a supervillain’s lab to pay for a woman to manhandle my appendages.

“A second woman, who I almost definitely won’t exchange any words with, will then violently sand, glue, or otherwise tamper with my perfectly fine natural nails before weighing them down with an absolute f**k-ton of gel.”

“It’s hard to choose a highlight. The little dryer that makes your skin feel like it’s burning? The terrifying mini sander that literally churns up the surface of your nail like a road grinder? It really is non-stop pampering making me feel so special.

“And when I walk out with my little reward to myself? I have impractical claws that mean I can’t even do up buttons. Absolutely perfect.”

She added: “I go every week now. Then to follow it up I treat myself to an addictive carcinogenic beverage that may cause me to shit myself. Isn’t life sweet?”

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At the urinal: the six worst times for your girlfriend to call you

STANDING there, cock out, when your trouser pocket begins to vibrate a merry tune? How does she know these are the times to call? 

At a urinal

Both hands are occupied, and will be for some time. Nobody wants to go direct from piss to phone. But once you’ve been disturbed the first isn’t coming and the second won’t f**king shut up, breaking the silence and causing other urinators to pointedly not look your way.

At the punchline of a joke

The build-up has finished, there’s an eruption of laughter due, then you hear Baby by Justin Bieber because your girlfriend thought it would be cute to assign to her. The punchline’s ruined, you take the call, and come back to a new joke about a soft twat with a Bieber ringtone.

During a mouthful of food

The first bite of a kebab is the best, often including a secondary ‘half-bite’ to ensure filling every corner of the oral cavity, restricting breathing exclusively to the nostrils. This is the moment the call arrives. Chewing faster is impossible due to facial muscle cramp, swallowing risks a potential Heimlich. Ignore? Give to a mate to answer? Grunt? All give the clear impression you’re snogging some girl.

At the climax of an act of self-love

The urge rises, and an act of pleasure urgently needs to be performed, it’s almost done and a call comes in from your beloved explaining her boss is a wanker. Libido extinguished you limply agree, answering ‘What are you up to?’ with ‘Just thinking of you babe.’

Skiving off work

Nobody will ever know you’re not on the training course, you cackle while booting up the PS5 for a solid six hours gaming. The phone rings. You can’t get away with this one. The lie will be there in your voice and suddenly the least you can do is push the Hoover round. It’s voicemail and a call back from a windy location or you’re f**ked for sure.

At a till

You called while picking up a few bits to see if she needed anything. The call comes as you’re paying, when it’s rude to answer, but you do so anyway. Not only has the checkout operative rightly judged you an insolent arsehole, but now you’ve got to go back through and buy her special hair mousse. You will buy the wrong hair mousse.