'Why can't you just be happy for us?' ask energy firms

ENERGY firms raking in billions of pounds of profit are at a loss as to why nobody is congratulating them.

Having doubled their year-on-year profits and smashed all previous records, BP was at least hoping for a supportive thumbs up.

A BP spokesman said: “How about a simple ‘well done’? Who would that harm?

“We’ve worked really hard getting oil and gas out of the ground and turning it into useful fuel, which is far from easy, and you like it well enough to burn but not enough to say ‘thanks, mate’ like you say to the barman after every pint.

“Guys. We made $23 billion in a year. That is objectively incredible. But not one of our loyal customers seems excited by our good fortune. Not even a text with a party face emoji.

“Admittedly, Shell made a couple bill more, so our profit seems like small potatoes in comparison. I promise we’ll do better next year. We can always raise costs.

“Come on though, £23 billion. Fair play to us, yeah?”

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Rishi Sunak to shake up big bag of twats

RISHI Sunak is to give the big bag of Tory twats he has no choice but to work with a really good shake and see what comes out. 

Sunak, who has the dregs of no less than five failed administrations to choose from, has been forced into a Cabinet reshuffle by yet another dirty bastard resigning and cannot wait to see what scum floats to the top this time.

He said: “F**king hell. And we thought Theresa May was running on empty.

“That was before Boris’s purge of all the talents, before the complete moral collapse of the party and before we were permanently 20 points behind in the polls and everyone capable pissed off.

“Look at what I’m working with here. Half the cabinet’s already been done for ethical violations or being investigated for bullying or just plain useless. We had to bring Hunt back to be chancellor. That’s how desperate this is.

“And any prick I sack will cause outrage among all their prick backbencher mates and destabilise the whole bloody government. All I can do is fling twats around and hope a couple end up as Ministers of Not F**king Up Too Frequently.

“Alright, here we go. First bellend out of the bag is… f**king hell. Penny bleeding Mordaunt.”