Nan wants postcard from stag weekend

A NAN has told her grandson that she expects a nice postcard from his stag weekend in Amsterdam.

After telling his grandma that he was going to the vice capital, Stephen Gerving found himself committed to posting her an account of his pleasant activities.

Gerving said: “She wants a picture of tulips and a windmill-themed magnet to stick it to the fridge. How am I going to manage that? I’ll be off my tits for four days. Are postcards still even a thing?

“And how am I going to tell the lads mid-spliff that I need to nip off to locate a souvenir shop, find a post office and figure out how to ask for a stamp in a language I don’t speak?

“And anyway, what would I write? ‘Hi Nan, having such a good time I don’t know what day it is. Weather is lovely though have caught a chill falling in the canal. Food great, but mainly hash cakes so I’m about to throw a monumental whitey. Love, Steve x’.

“My nan’s lovely, but I don’t think she knows what goes on here, especially on stag dos.”

Margaret Gerving said: “He thinks he’s the first person to discover Amsterdam. Let’s see him try and find a postcard without a picture of a prozzie or a bifter on it. That’ll teach him to miss a weekend visit.”

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Five ways your online food delivery is f**king you over

ONLINE food delivery is meant to be convenient but ultimately ends up f**king you about. Here’s how it tempts you back to traipsing the aisles instead:

The driver doesn’t help you unpack anymore

Pre-pandemic, the driver would carry all the heavy stuff to your kitchen table for you. Now, you’re left lugging the cat food into the house yourself, and wishing you’d not ordered that 48-pack of lager. You’re considering putting your household on a strict diet of Quavers and bagged salad.

Alleging no suitable substitutions…

No substitute available? For bread? Half of the supermarket is bread. If they’d struggled to substitute the pomegranate molasses you’d ordered because you’re a fancy twat who shops at Waitrose you’d understand. But bread? They’re taking the piss.

…or making f**king ridiculous ones

Your Branston Pickle has become lime pickle. Your Tic Tacs were transformed into Blu Tac. Lemon juice is alarmingly replaced with Lemon Cif. Either the customer order picker has got an imaginative sense of humour, or they don’t get paid enough to pay attention to what they’re doing. You suspect the latter.

Wedging the door open with boxes

The driver has helpfully put six large crates down on your doorstep, which means you can’t shut the front door. This turns unloading into a high-speed race where you blindly sling things into the kitchen to avoid all the expensively-gained warm air in your home escaping, along with a pet and possibly a toddler.

Messing up the meal deal

Three dishes and wine for £12? What a bargain. Until they substitute the main course, which means the deal doesn’t trigger and you’re charged full price for every item. You can’t be arsed to call them and spend ages on hold, so instead you eat your overpriced rosemary-and-garlic-infused potatoes in a state of awful, simmering resentment.