THE front of you looks halfway decent, but you don’t know what’s going on at the back because you can’t see it. Here’s what you’re unwittingly inflicting on others:
Neck pimples
You can see the spots on your face and can squeeze them, cover them up, or just be aware that they exist. However, you don’t know that the back of your neck is covered in crusty yellow heads, but the person sitting behind you on the bus does. And they are disgusted by you.
Sagging bum
You keep a sharp eye on your waistline and adjust your diet accordingly when it’s getting a bit bigger than you’d like. Your bum, on the other hand, is a mystery, as you can never turn round far enough to see the vast, drooping extent of it in the mirror. Maybe that’s for the best. The reality would just make you miserable.
Deranged hair
The front of your hair is blow-dried to perfection, and then carefully styled with a blob of expensive wax. Unfortunately, the back looks like you’ve just stumbled out of a hedge after falling asleep in it after a night on the piss. It doesn’t even look stylishly tousled. It just looks shit.
Crumpled clothes
You’re one of the few people who bother to iron their clothes these days, and you’re proud of it. However, what you haven’t worked out is that they get instantly creased and crumpled the second you sit down, which means you look like an uptight perfectionist from the front and a down-at-heel bag lady from the back. No wonder everyone at work laughs at you.
Bizarre walk
You think you’ve got a pretty cool strut going on, like Harvey Keitel at the beginning of Reservoir Dogs. Maybe it looks fine from the front, but from the back you look like you’re trying to itch your thigh with your opposite knee while holding in a fart. Consider investing in some roller-skates. You can’t look any more ungainly and silly than you do already.
