New mother nurturing adorable bundle of resentment towards child-free friends

A WOMAN who has just become a parent is tenderly feeding a growing grudge against her friends who have not.

Since having a baby, Joanna Kramer now puts round-the-clock care and attention into being annoyed with people who have made different choices to her.

Joanna said: “Look, I adore my kid, obviously. But at the same time as looking after him, I’m looking after a gradually developing sense of f**cked-off-ness that my mates are acting as if nothing has changed.

“Which I know it hasn’t for them. But when they say they’re tired because they worked late at the office, I can’t believe the audacity. It’s like they don’t even think of my life when they dare to complain about theirs.

“And if they mention going out drinking at the weekend, my huffiness almost gets out of control. Some people say you don’t know true love until you have a child, but I would argue you also don’t know true irritation.”

Friend Sophie Rodriguez said: “I know Joanna feels like she’s missing out but, honestly, I’d prefer dealing with a screaming baby than this hideous red wine hangover I’ve got.”

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Won't someone stop these Just Stop Oil scum giving me an erection?

By retired accountant Roy Hobbs

JUST Stop Oil has crossed a line by smearing cake on a waxwork of King Charles. It’s time to come down hard on them, and it’s causing unusual sensations in my trousers.

When I saw the dirty hippie rabble befouling our beloved King with cake, my thoughts immediately turned to punishment, at which point my loins began to tingle in a not-entirely-unpleasant way normally reserved for pictures of Penny Mordaunt in a bathing suit.

Public floggings would be a good start for Just Stop Oil, but why not bring back medieval punishments like cutting off their ears, or breaking their arms and legs on a wheel? And of course boiling them in oil would add a dash of irony to their desperate, agonised screams.

Excuse me, I must go to the bathroom.

Sorry about that. Obviously we must prioritise deterrence. As soon as they start glueing themselves to petrol pumps I’d like to see platoons of muscular, highly-disciplined Coldstream Guards unleash volley after volley so that the streets are piled high with the mangled, bloodied corpses of hippies. Yes, definitely that.

This would serve as a warning to other ‘greens’. It’s simply not right that they can disrupt the lives of decent people, making me hide my crotch with a cushion because I had – perfectly understandably – been imagining mass hangings with piano wire.

There’s a time and a place for sexual arousal, and it is once every six months in the bedroom with my wife, not in front of Huw Edwards and The Ten O’Clock News when I inadvertently thought about protesters being ripped to pieces by dogs.

Don’t get me wrong – I care about the environment. There’s just a right way to go about it, such as putting a yoghurt pot in the recycling, and a wrong way, ie. direct action highlighting untold suffering for mankind and nature by mocking an unconvincing likeness of our monarch.

So let’s hope the authorities are ready for the next Just Stop Oil demonstration, ideally with genital electrodes and flamethrowers. Let’s end this ‘save the planet’ madness and let my poor todger rest in peace.