Race no barrier to being an unpopular Tory prime minister, UK confirms

BRITISH people are proud to live in a country where race is no longer a barrier to being an overprivileged, out-of-touch Conservative leader.

With Rishi Sunak becoming the UK’s first British Asian prime minister, voters have confirmed they are delighted to welcome him into the fold of rich, privately educated bastards who have had the top job.

Aisha Ray from Brighton said: “It’s wonderful for people of Asian descent like me to know that, if your parents send you to an exclusive fee-paying school and you become a millionaire banker, you can work your way up to the upper echelons of British twattery.

“After all, why should it only be white people like Boris Johnson and Liz Truss who get to drive the country into the ground for the sake of their own egos? Equality means equality, after all.”

Roy Hobbs from Brighouse said: “All those people who claim multiculturalism has failed should take a look at Rishi Sunak’s achievement. I’m over the moon that we can have an Asian chap with an FPN for illegal partying in office, just the same as a white guy.

“Will I vote for him? Of course. I consistently vote against my own interests, and Rishi will be no exception.”

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How to ruin your enjoyment of food by becoming a self-proclaimed foodie

DO you have the tosspot-factor it takes to declare yourself a ‘foodie’? If so here’s how it will curse your enjoyment of eating.

Nothing can be simple

Previously, your idea of elevating beans on toast was adding a dash of Worcester sauce. But now you bake your own sourdough, soak your own pulses and peel each tomato before slowly boiling them down into sauce. And grating some cheddar on top isn’t acceptable, you need to source smoked scamorza from Italy. Even simple meals are now such a palaver that you’ve started to hate food.

Your kitchen is a nightmare

Since giving yourself ‘foodie’ status, you haven’t got room in your kitchen for all your weird types of grain, not to mention the condiments. Your cupboards are bulging with za’tar, shisho and four different types of balsamic vinegar. With any luck the shelf you put up for your new recipe book collection will collapse and you’ll be put out of your misery by a falling Ottolenghi hardback.

It’s hard work

Being a proper foodie means hours of study. You’ll get horrifying flashbacks to GCSE French as you find yourself trying to remember how to pronounce names of cheeses and shapes of pasta. Cookery books now contain lengthy, self-involved essays by the chef as well as the recipes, so you’ll never get round to enjoying the latest Val McDermid.

You’re bankrupting yourself

It’s not just the fact that the rare Spanish ham you need for your signature crostini is only available via a painfully expensive online importer, it’s that you can’t just pop down to Boots for a quick meal deal at lunch like you used to. Instead, you walk two miles to a fancy deli for a focaccia lampredotto, which costs a fortune and annoys your boss because you’re late back to your desk.

Your friends and family hate you

You refuse to go to Nando’s for a cheap group meal, you won’t shut the f**k up about the ubiquity of truffle oil, and you’re generally a pain in the arse to be around. And to top off the misery, you’ve starting to think your new hobby isn’t worth it, and you’ve got an intense craving for a Greggs steak bake.