'Nice piece of kit': Things men say to feel like proper blokes

INSECURE about your masculinity? Start saying these phrases to sound like a proper blokey geezer:

‘Nice piece of kit’

A handy catch-all phrase which can be used to admire an Airfix model of an aircraft carrier or a Black & Decker strimmer. Crucially though this phrase is devoid of any sentimentality. All you’re doing is giving a curt nod of approval while maintaining a healthy emotional distance, just like your dad when his grandson was born.

‘See the game last night?’

Nice and open-ended so that the recipient can reply with comments about their sport of choice. Naturally you’ll be up to date with all the latest results because you are a proper man, so asking this question won’t trip you up. Unless they like women’s football, in which case there will be a long, awkward silence.

‘You’ve burnt out the alternator’

The perfect comment for when someone is complaining about their car. Not only does saying this establish you as an alpha male who knows his way around engines, it also slyly mocks the person with motor troubles. Deliver this phrase with a condescending tone that implies ‘this is so obvious it hurts’ for maximum masculinity.

‘Don’t get many of them to the pound’

Equally suitable for use at the greengrocers or when assessing the heft of a woman’s bust, but only mutter it to yourself or a friend with an air of ironic detachment or you come across as a disgusting letch. Which is exactly what you are, but for the sake of public decency try to make it less glaring.


This form of address is as manly as a pint of bitter or a trip to the bookies. Call someone ‘guv’ and watch as they start to regard you as a king among men who probably knows how to plaster a wall. If you’re disembarking from a bus in the West Country, say ‘drive’ instead to guarantee a warm ‘cheerio’ from the gent behind the wheel.

Nothing at all

Words are inherently effeminate. That’s why they’re used by Jane Austen and Emily Brontë in their soppy romance novels. To sound like a proper bloke you should forego them altogether and sit there silently with your arms folded. Don’t even risk saying anything witty or you’ll end up sounding like beta cuck puff Oscar Wilde.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Sausage, chips and beans for tea: Five things grown men still get inexplicably excited by

DESPITE growing up, owning a home and starting a family, nothing gives men greater joy than certain types of utterly stupid shit. Here are just five examples.

Sausage, chips and beans for tea

Men get genuinely excited about tucking into their favourite meal from when they were five: dry oven chips, sugary baked beans and a trio of gristly bargain basement bangers. If it’s served on a day when their football team has also won away, some men have been known to achieve a higher state of consciousness.

Two animals shagging

Nothing causes joy and hilarity like a spot of pigeon porn in the garden or two lions humping at Whipsnade Zoo. The dad in your family will probably swerve the family car across three lanes of traffic if he thinks he saw two horses in a field shagging. He may even excitedly comment on how well-endowed the male animal is. A crap David Attenborough impression is a given.

Women who aren’t wearing a bra

Men will be held rapt by a woman with no bra on, suddenly switching from being an adult male with life insurance and a Sainsbury’s clubcard to a giggling 1980s teenager trying to spot a hint of erect nipple. The baffling thing is there’s no shortage of nipples right now, in real life or on the internet. Men are complicated creatures.

Cars they can’t afford

For some reason, men are thrilled by flash cars they’ll never own. Yes, that is the new Porsche 718 Cayman GTS, 0-60 in 4.5 seconds. This is somewhat academic if you work in a call centre and have a long-term overdraft and credit card debts. Just pray he doesn’t go the showroom and sit behind the wheel pretending to drive it.

Football stickers

An obsession of youth which, tragically, can continue into adulthood. When the new Panini stickers come out, the man in your life unfortunately has the means to buy loads, being paid, hopefully, substantially more than his pocket money in 1983. Before you know it, all the men in the office will have a Qatar 2022 World Cup Album and they’ll be meeting by the photocopier to drone on about swapping for a Jack Grealish ‘shiny’.