INSECURE about your masculinity? Start saying these phrases to sound like a proper blokey geezer:
‘Nice piece of kit’
A handy catch-all phrase which can be used to admire an Airfix model of an aircraft carrier or a Black & Decker strimmer. Crucially though this phrase is devoid of any sentimentality. All you’re doing is giving a curt nod of approval while maintaining a healthy emotional distance, just like your dad when his grandson was born.
‘See the game last night?’
Nice and open-ended so that the recipient can reply with comments about their sport of choice. Naturally you’ll be up to date with all the latest results because you are a proper man, so asking this question won’t trip you up. Unless they like women’s football, in which case there will be a long, awkward silence.
‘You’ve burnt out the alternator’
The perfect comment for when someone is complaining about their car. Not only does saying this establish you as an alpha male who knows his way around engines, it also slyly mocks the person with motor troubles. Deliver this phrase with a condescending tone that implies ‘this is so obvious it hurts’ for maximum masculinity.
‘Don’t get many of them to the pound’
Equally suitable for use at the greengrocers or when assessing the heft of a woman’s bust, but only mutter it to yourself or a friend with an air of ironic detachment or you come across as a disgusting letch. Which is exactly what you are, but for the sake of public decency try to make it less glaring.
‘Guv’
This form of address is as manly as a pint of bitter or a trip to the bookies. Call someone ‘guv’ and watch as they start to regard you as a king among men who probably knows how to plaster a wall. If you’re disembarking from a bus in the West Country, say ‘drive’ instead to guarantee a warm ‘cheerio’ from the gent behind the wheel.
Nothing at all
Words are inherently effeminate. That’s why they’re used by Jane Austen and Emily Brontë in their soppy romance novels. To sound like a proper bloke you should forego them altogether and sit there silently with your arms folded. Don’t even risk saying anything witty or you’ll end up sounding like beta cuck puff Oscar Wilde.
