Friday, 4th December 2020

'No big Christmas gatherings' means 'Big Christmas gatherings', says UK

THE British public believes advice to limit the size of Christmas gatherings means you should have loads of people from different households over. 

Britons are grateful to the government for finally issuing clear, practical Covid advice so they can ignore it and do the exact opposite.

Donna Sheridan said: “I was worried I wouldn’t be able to have mum and dad over for Christmas dinner, but it turns out all my mates, cousins, the new neighbours and Shelley and Nina from work can come too.

“The message ‘Don’t have big Christmas gatherings’ is about as unambiguous as it gets. It’s going to be tricky cooking for 35 people but I’ll manage. I’ll just order more Aunt Bessie’s Yorkshire puds.”

Wayne Hayes said: “Being told to restrict the spread of a potentially fatal virus by having small gatherings can only mean one thing – PARTY TIME!

“Me and my flatmates are getting all the girls we know to come over and we’ll put up some mistletoe at the front door so we can snog each one and work out who’ll be up for a shag. This is an excellent plan.” 

The government has now launched a campaign with a simpler message called ‘DON’T F**KING DIE, YOU IDIOTS’, causing an immediate surge in heroin use, drink driving and train-surfing.