'No big Christmas gatherings' means 'Big Christmas gatherings', says UK

THE British public believes advice to limit the size of Christmas gatherings means you should have loads of people from different households over. 

Britons are grateful to the government for finally issuing clear, practical Covid advice so they can ignore it and do the exact opposite.

Donna Sheridan said: “I was worried I wouldn’t be able to have mum and dad over for Christmas dinner, but it turns out all my mates, cousins, the new neighbours and Shelley and Nina from work can come too.

“The message ‘Don’t have big Christmas gatherings’ is about as unambiguous as it gets. It’s going to be tricky cooking for 35 people but I’ll manage. I’ll just order more Aunt Bessie’s Yorkshire puds.”

Wayne Hayes said: “Being told to restrict the spread of a potentially fatal virus by having small gatherings can only mean one thing – PARTY TIME!

“Me and my flatmates are getting all the girls we know to come over and we’ll put up some mistletoe at the front door so we can snog each one and work out who’ll be up for a shag. This is an excellent plan.” 

The government has now launched a campaign with a simpler message called ‘DON’T F**KING DIE, YOU IDIOTS’, causing an immediate surge in heroin use, drink driving and train-surfing.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Arsehole who was 'up and about before 6am' feels need to tell everyone about it

A MAN who got up slightly earlier than most people wrongly believes everyone is interested in this fact.

After arising stupidly early in pitch darkness, Martin Bishop did some mundane tasks which he would later mention in a series of utterly tedious conversations, texts and Facebook posts. 

Bishop said: “Before 6am I’d checked my email, done a bit of minor DIY and put a chilli con carne in the slow cooker. Yes, I could’ve kept shtum, but people must hear of my inspirational lifestyle.

“While others were lazing around in bed until a leisurely 7.30, I’d already made enough protein powder smoothies to last me all week. Not only that, I’d also popped out for a newspaper. You’re shocked, I know.

“I realised this would be of interest to everyone I know. If they find it in some way ‘boring’ that’s because they are jealous underachievers.” 

Bishop also went for a run so he could post a Strava map captioned ‘Cheeky dawn 5k’ on social media, and later a picture of an unremarkable coffee with the comment ‘Early start for me!’.

Colleague Nikki Hollis said: “I genuinely do not give a shit if Martin put up a shelf at 6.34am. I got up at 4am. Admittedly that was for a piss, but it’s equally uninteresting.”