HAVE you ever visited someone’s house and thought ‘What the f**k is happening?’ Here’s a walkthrough of the most alien home imaginable:
No lock on the bathroom door
Picture the nightmare: you visit a friend’s house for the first time, go for a wee and find there’s no way to protect yourself from intruders. No one explains why – it’s not like it’s just broken – and you piss in a constant state of fear of their partner bumbling in and catching you mid-stream.
Furniture not pointing at a television
You walk next door to find that these freaks have a living room that doesn’t revolve entirely around a TV. Furniture is arranged next to the fireplace. There’s a small table piled with games. The armchair points at the window, for Christ’s sake. You break out into a cold sweat.
Hundreds of pointless cushions on the bed
The bed in the guest room has an excessive number of cushions neatly placed on it. Are you meant to lie on top of them? If you put them all on the floor you’ll make a mess of the otherwise frighteningly neat room. You think you might be tortured like the guy in Misery if you don’t put them back in exactly the right order the next morning so opt to sleep on the floor.
Wrong brands of food
Their kitchen cupboards are filled with weird brands you would never allow in your house. A lot of them seem to be German and look like they’re from a health food shop, but it appears these weirdos are also happy to eat Tesco own brand cornflakes. And what kind of lunatic buys a 1kg tub of Utterly Butterly? You are scared now, and want to go home.
Eggs in the fridge
Worst of all is what they’ve done to the poor eggs. Rather than sit them on the counter like normal people, these sick creeps keep their eggs in the fridge, incubating them like they’ll one day hatch into cold, evil lizards. Make your excuses and escape. You’ll never be able to relax in this monstrous hellhole.