Pedal bin not even trying anymore

A PEDAL bin in a family’s kitchen has lost its zest for life and now barely puts any effort into its daily work.

In its younger days, the bin functioned with a sense of genuine enthusiasm – smoothly swinging open at the gentle press of a foot. But over the past six months it has become a shadow of its former self, frequently failing to perform its most basic functions.

The bin’s joint owner, dad-of-two Joe Turner, said: “When we first brought it home it worked like an absolute charm. You could basically just look at the pedal and it would glide into a perfect open position. It properly pulled its weight when it came to getting rid of rubbish.

“Then at some point it just seemed to lose its motivation. These days, when you step on the pedal it either doesn’t open at all or opens with such violent force it puts a dent in the wall behind it. It’s like it just can’t be f**king bothered anymore.

“When I’m cooking I usually end up pulling the whole lid off and using it that way – but that defeats the whole point of having a pedal bin in the first place.”

Turner’s wife Sarah added: “It’s kind of like it was trying to impress us in the early days – then as soon as it got through the probationary period it started dialling it in.

“I fear we won’t be able to go back to how things were. We’d be better off just hanging a plastic bag on one of the cupboard handles.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Band t-shirt and cock out: What does what you wear for bed say about you?

BRITONS get up to all sorts in bed. Clothing, we mean, not sex. No one wants any of that disgusting malarky that interferes with a good night’s sleep. Here’s what your bed attire says about you.

Stark bollock naked

You’re a free spirit. This ‘nightwear’ guarantees not only unrestricted sleep, but also pubes in the sheets. Just try not to get pink eye off your own pillow. The real test is being brave enough to sleep naked at a friend’s house or hotel, when a stranger could come in and salaciously get an eyeful of your gorgeous arse. There’s also your kids. Nothing can prepare you for a toddler looking at your exposed genitals and bursting into tears.

Spider-Man pyjamas 

Assuming you’re not four, you’re really into comics. You probably got these from Primark as a ‘joke’ and they’ve found their way into your proper wardrobe rotation. People would give you the benefit of the doubt but the Hulk bedspread gives it away. You just feel so safe and protected with Spidey all over your body, and there’s no shame in saying so, except to friends, strangers, co-workers and people you want to shag.

Sports wear

You see sleep as another athletic pursuit, and try to break personal bests and achieve excellence. You assess your sleep each morning using one of your dizzying array of wanky, scientifically questionable apps. Probably while ‘enjoying’ your morning wheatgrass shot, overnight oats and almond milk latte. This sort of sleep regime prepares you to jump out of bed and straight into a 10k run. Ideally into the nearest ocean. You tiresome twat.

Nightie and eye mask 

You’re either 90 or just act that way. If it’s the former, you’ll have a commode, hot water bottle from June onwards and be in bed as soon as Pointless finishes at 6pm. Because you have to be up before dawn each day to do… well, f**k knows what. Go to the supermarket or buy a Daily Express probably. 

If you’re young and choose this option, chances are you’ll also pop in a mouth guard to sleep in. Because you’re wound so tight you spend the entire night having stress dreams and grinding your teeth down to little nubs. Stick on that whale song CD and chill the f**k out.

Band t-shirt and cock out 

You want some downstairs freedom but don’t like your growing gut to be exposed. And the band on the t-shirt will directly reflect how overweight you’ve got. The Strokes = mid 30s and getting chubby; Guns N’ Roses = middle-aged spread firmly set in; Led Zeppelin = absolutely enormous. Just hope you don’t get burgled and have to confront the intruder in a threadbare, too-tight Pink Floyd t-shirt with your pecker dangling gaily, although he may be paralysed with shock until the police get there.