How to ignore the haters, by Suella Braverman

FACING criticism from people who are clearly just well jealous of you, hun? Ignore the haters with this advice from me, Suella Braverman.

Grin like an idiot

Haters love to see you fail, so fight back like a girl boss while wearing a big moronic grin. The naysayers will soon forget that you were recently fired for breaching the ministerial code after an epic row with your old boss. Throw in some double thumbs-ups for good measure. You’re crushing this, queen.

Take some time out

Feeling burnt out from the criticism you faced after sending a professional email from a personal account? Take a well-earned week off before returning to work as if nothing had happened. Don’t worry about how you’ll afford it, the taxpayer will take care of that. This will really piss off the woke mob, which is all you should care about.

Double down

Remember how everyone was furious when you shared your dream about flying asylum seekers to Rwanda? Wreak petty vengeance by getting your old job back then doubling down on your unpopular ideas. Sure, it’ll piss off the snowflakes, but well-behaved women never make history. Meanwhile you’re going to be remembered as a turd that won’t flush.

Live your best life

Living well is the best revenge. So when the haters start giving you shit hold your head up high, strut to work, and remember that you’re living your dream life while they’re just scrabbling around in the dirt protesting about human rights. They clearly wish they were you, which is understandable. You are goals!

Listen to inspirational music

Facing negative feedback everywhere you turn? Chuck in your EarPods and turn Beyoncé up to the max. As well as drowning out the haters, it’ll also silence that little voice in your head which says ‘Maybe you’re the problem after all?’ You hate that voice, it never shuts the f**k up.

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Princess Leia against a tree on Endor: Rishi Sunak's nerdiest sexual fantasies

THERE is literally nothing interesting about Rishi Sunak except that he likes Star Wars. Here are his nerdiest sexual fantasies from the worlds of sci-fi and superheroes.

A knee-trembler on Endor

In Rishi’s geeky imagination he and Leia are in a speeder bike chase with Imperial scouts. After Rishi dispatches them, a flushed Leia has sex with him against a giant redwood tree. If he’s feeling a bit kinky, Rishi imagines Wicket and the other Ewoks watching.

Jyn Urso in the back of a landspeeder

Rishi and Jyn from Rogue One are on their way to Tosche Station to pick up some filters for his moisture farm. Why Jyn (Felicity Jones) is on Tatooine is unclear, but she demands sex in the back of the landspeeder. On reaching their destination, a threesome with Camie Loneozner (Koo Stark) ensues. Needless to say, nothing like this has ever happened to Rishi in real life.

Doggystyle with L3-37

Rishi has sex with various sockets on L3-37, the Meccano droid with the voice of Phoebe Waller-Bridge. And what normal, red-blooded man wouldn’t? He then uploads her into the Millennium Falcon’s navigation computer, which he wishes he could do with more girls because they make him nervous.

Sex with Black Widow, in bed with his socks on

Sunak’s fantasies are not limited to the Star Wars universe. However missionary position with the most obviously attractive Marvel character is exactly the sort of unimaginative scenario you’d expect from a financial bean-counter like Rishi, who has already started making speeches likely to cause brain death.

Same-sex experimentation with Kylo Ren

Possibly due to his time at public school, Rishi has a tame fantasy about the confused emo Sith. It’s mainly just stroking Adam Driver’s pumped-for-the-role torso and anal sex is off the menu, because, as Sunak told a press conference yesterday, he is ‘definitely not gay’.

Rishi Thanos and Scarlet Witch

Probably the most embarrassing of Sunak’s fantasies. Spindly shortarse Sunak is the mighty Thanos, who takes Scarlet Witch to new heights of sexual ecstasy, causing Elizabeth Olsen to repeatedly gasp, ‘You’re so big Rishi/Thanos!’ Post-ejaculation, the fantasy then turns into battering real-life bully Boris Johnson with the Infinity Gauntlet, in classic pathetic nerd wish-fulfilment.

Banging Tishra Kandia in an interrogation chair

Rishi is such a tragic nerd he can name the blink-and-you-miss-her Imperial officer from The Rise of Skywalker. Tishra (Amanda Hale) restrains Sunak in the interrogation chair used on Rey and Poe, then during various vanilla tortures tells him he could have a very successful career in the Empire, at which point he spunks like a Rancor.