It is with great sadness that I cede my role as Minister for Twattery, by Jacob Rees-Mogg

JACOB Rees-Mogg has resigned as business secretary via a convoluted, handwritten letter. Here is the text in full.

Salutations Prime Minister,

Please accept my sincerest felicitations on your elevation to the highest office. I wish you every success, even though you are clearly no gentleman and a villein and a turncoat.

As you will no doubt want to cram your cabinet with knaves upon this day of St Crispin, I tender you my notice. I was a loyal supporter of Mr Boris Johnson, and believed you, sir, to be the same. However, by running against that fine and noble gentleman you have proved yourself to be a cad.

I am minded to challenge you to a duel, though I doubt an upstart cur such as you even owns a brace of flintlock duelling pistols.

In the spirit of magnanimity I accept that I should not have called you a socialist, as it is clear you do not share your wealth with the poor of your parish, even though they live in rat-infested Yorkshire hovels. Your refusal to entertain the idea of turning food banks into workhouses however calls into question whether you are a true Conservative.

In any case, my resignation is tendered to The King and not you. I’m sure His Majesty would have wanted me to stay on as Secretary of State for Business, Energy and Industrial Strategy had Oliver Cromwell not had his way. I had many fine 19th century innovations to introduce, including child labour, the daguerreotype and a transatlantic coal-fired zeppelin. All now sadly lost to mighty Britannia.

But I digress. In the interests of the Conservative party, rather than the country, we must unite under your leadership. By this token I will return to the back benches, like Orpheus to the Underworld, and bestow my twattery upon a grateful nation from there.

I have the honour to remain &c,

Jacob Rees-Mogg

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How the nice restaurant you booked will completely ruin your wedding anniversary

LOOKING forward to a romantic dinner celebrating your relationship? Here’s how the fancy restaurant you chose will destroy your special night.

Overly attentive staff

By specifying that it’s your anniversary, you will be the target of tip-hungry waiting staff before you’ve even sat down. They’ll make you taste the wine before pouring, as if you’re an experienced sommelier and not someone who just buys the bottle with the prettiest label, and pop up every three minutes to check if everything is ok with your meal. You’ll want to tell them to piss off but that would ruin the romantic ambience.

The overpriced menu

You thought taking your partner somewhere fancy would be a lovely treat but they’re appalled at the prices and would rather you put the money towards a new boiler. You end up ordering a starter and a small glass of wine each and then spend the rest of the meal cowering from the disdainful glares of the maitre d’ each time he passes your table.

The musicians

A live jazz band will be fun, you thought, but actually they are parping and tinkling away so loudly that you and your partner can’t keep up a conversation. You end up sat together in miserable silence as the drummer does an epic avant garde free jazz solo and then are expected to clap politely like he hasn’t just stolen ten minutes of your one precious life on this earth.

The dress code

You’re not usually one for smart dress but jeans and trainers aren’t going to cut it in the place you’ve booked. Instead, you and your partner squeeze into outfits you last wore to a wedding four years ago and spend the evening feeling fat, uncomfortable and paranoid that you’re about to spill tomato bouillabaisse all down the only nice item of clothing that you own.

Other diners

However much you and your partner genuinely adore each other, you always feel like the couple canoodling at the next table are doing a better job of showing their affection. However, watching them stick their fingers in each other’s dinner and then each other’s mouths makes you happy that you’re leaving with each other.