People with real fires told to stop dicking around and turn the f**king heating on

PEOPLE who spend hours making a fire have been reminded they could just put the bloody heating on.

Owners of open fires have been urged to give up battling with kindling, coal and logs while insisting ‘It’ll be worth it!’ as everyone freezes their tits off.

Donna Sheridan, who has been waiting for her husband to light a fire for three hours, said: “I wanted a gas fire but apparently sitting in my coat all night watching someone dick about with a lighter is much better.  

“He’s piling up bits of wood and coal like he’s Bear Grylls or something. Then when he finally gets it going he’ll make us all go and look at it.”

Psychologist Norman Steele said: “Man’s fascination with fire dates back to caveman times when it was a matter of survival, not just having a trendy little wood-burning stove so you can feel middle class.

“So when someone builds a fire today, it’s a lot like hunting a woolly mammoth. That’s what dads think, anyway.”

Sheridan’s husband Gary said: “There’s no substitute for a real fire for the ambience and creating a focal point in the room. Oh sod it. I just like burning stuff.”