Full-time drinker's heart sinks at prospect of part-time drinkers

A HARDENED drinker’s slightly diseased heart has sunk at the prospect of his boozing sessions being interrupted by loud, tipsy Christmas parties.

Roy Hobbs, 54, who drinks 13 pints a day in the Dog & Duck in Aylesbury, feels his Christmas is in danger of being ruined by excessive occasional drinking.

Hobbs said: “I’ve nothing against people enjoying a dangerous amount of alcohol, just so long as they can handle it and sit quietly in the corner of the pub doing a crossword.

“It really unsettles me when the once-a-year drinkers pile in, already slightly inebriated at the prospect of becoming slightly inebriated, as late as 1.15pm.

“I like a quiet pub where I can get immensely pissed without having a friendly conversation or appearing to enjoy myself in any way at all.

“But these people start flailing around the pub with their Christmas hats being all flirty and jolly. Where’s the dignity in getting totally shitfaced like that?

“A serious drinking habit is for life, not just for Christmas.”

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'What if I'm actually a dickhead?' Boris Johnson wonders aloud

FOR the first time Boris Johnson has realised he might not be a great statesman, but just a dickhead.

Johnson, who has long maintained that beneath his buffoonish exterior lies a steely political operator, today stared into the mirror and saw nothing but a buffoon staring back.

He said: “This is a ridiculous thought, but what if – indulge me – I’m actually exactly the absurd clown I seem?

“When I got given a proper job I was shit at it. I told myself it was a canny move stoking Britain’s populist xenophobia, but maybe I’m just shit at jobs?

“Perhaps I’m a fat, lying sack of shit who shags any passing posh bird and who nobody trusts an inch?

“Oh god, it’s all true. Even messing my hair up before I go on TV looks a bit twattish.”