Peri-peri chicken: The absolute worst flavours to put in a vape

THE government wants to ban disposable vapes, but why not just make the flavours more off-putting? Although if any of these catch on, society is doomed.

Tinned mackerel

Delicious, nicotine-infused fish juice. Surely it’s only a matter of time before schoolkids across the UK are coming back from their lunch breaks smelling as if they’ve spent the day down the wharf? If this does ever catch on, the death penalty for anyone using it on public transport will be welcomed by Daily Mail readers and liberals alike.

Gym locker room

You’d soon see a reduction in vaping if people were huffing a harrowing concoction of multiple men’s stale sweat, the odour of ancient trainers kept for exercise, lingering traces of Lynx Africa and athlete’s foot powder. Vapers might well start smoking again, but everyone would agree fag smoke smells fresh as a summer meadow by comparison.

Peri-peri chicken

During the great Nando’s boom of the early 2010s, peri-peri became one of the UK’s most ubiquitous flavours. However if any human being inhaled extra-hot peri-peri chicken their lungs would almost certainly burst into flames. Great for vapers who complain vaping doesn’t have the same ‘bite’ as fags.

Stink bomb 

Smells are noted for triggering memories in your brain, so relive joyously traipsing out of double geography because some little bastard had let off a stink bomb. The odour of rotten eggs sounds like a bad idea for a vape flavour, but no matter how vile or wretched a product is, there are bound to be some weirdos who like it.


The rich, tomatoey, spicy curry that’s delicious with a rice or a naan. So why not distil a jalfrezi’s essence into vape juice? It’s either madness or genius. Unfortunately the flavour would be more complex and sophisticated than popular sickly ones like Blueberry Muffin Sucrose Overload so it’s unlikely you’ll be walking by groups of teens puffing out great clouds of jalfrezi-scented vapour any time soon. 

Old dog’s fart

Captured for the first time in vape form, the devastatingly rancid stench of a decrepit sheepdog with IBS. This is a concoction that’s clearly closer to a chemical weapon than a mild stimulant. Handy if you’re vaping and suddenly need to break up a mob of rioters, although regular use will make family and friends unwilling to spend time with you. Probably not much more than puffing on 40 Rothmans a day, though.

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Britain used to love a good prison escape, man tells son while realising how weird that is

A MAN telling his son how escaped prisoners were not long ago regarded as folk heroes is realising how deeply strange that was. 

Joe Turner was telling son Bradley how in the 1970s the whole country would have been cheering for this Khalife lad before registering what he was saying and stopping mid-sentence. 

He said: “Wait, why did we spend four decades treating Ronnie Biggs like he was Robin f**king Hood? Even now I’m chuckling at his loveable country-hopping antics. 

“I guess the Great Train Robbers were different, but we also cheered on George Blake and he was a KGB agent and traitor. Still, what a lad, eh? Rope ladder over the wall of Wormwood Scrubs and he made it all the way through the Iron Curtain!

“Back then every schoolboy could recount their favourite escapes. Ropes made of bedsheets, guns made of soap, tunnels, guard uniforms and a light tap on the head with a cosh for the screws, who wouldn’t hold a grudge. 

“Then the whole nation would be following the manhunt agog, hoping they’d outwit the police and pop up six years later on the Côte d’Azur hoisting a pint of wine and giving two fingers to the camera for The Sun. 

“F**k it, let’s bring those days back. We’re all behind you Danny Khalife, my son! Give those coppers the slip! Next stop Istanbul!”