Pet birthdays and other non-occasions people think you should celebrate

LIFE is full of big moments that deserve recognition. And then there are these non-events which people weirdly expect you to celebrate:

One-month anniversaries

Making a relationship last an entire month is an incredible achievement if you’re the sort of person clingy enough to notice it. Meanwhile this non-occasion passes normal couples by because they’re still in the honeymoon period shagging session phase. If you celebrate one-month anniversaries then soon you’ll be marking the number of days since you were dumped.

Pet birthdays

Everyone gets it. Your pet has filled the void in your life where normal human connections should exist. However this does not mean you should treat them like an actual person. They do not understand time so randomly showering your pet with praise and gifts will undo months of hard-won training. Plus getting them a little cake makes you look a bit weird.

Their kid’s GCSE results

The only people who give a shit about GCSE results are lecturers who conduct Oxbridge interviews. Everyone else zones out when proud parents start droning on about a series of grades that don’t matter. During this time they think about more thrilling topics, including: ‘what shall I have for dinner?’ and ‘I need to descale the kettle.’


Traditionally referred to as ‘hump day’ by infuriating twats who somehow have the same voting rights as you. The midpoint of the working week is admittedly less depressing than a Monday, but it is nowhere near as exciting as a Friday or relaxing as the weekend. So shut the f**k up about it and knuckle down.

A sideways career move

Promotions are worthy of celebration, and redundancies are a valid reason to go out and drown your sorrows. But being shuttled between departments without getting a pay rise is impossible to get excited about. Don’t invite anyone to the pub to toast your new job title, they do not want to waste an evening making small talk with your new colleagues.

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Mates nonplussed as man passes on hello from his wife

A MAN has confused and disturbed his pub friends by passing on a message from his wife to say hello.

Tom Booker was enjoying a drink with his mates when he decided to turn the evening weird by interrupting a discussion about the evils of VAR to announce that his wife had wished them the cheery greeting.

Friend Nathan Muir said: “There is an unspoken rule that when we come to the pub we pretend our partners don’t exist, so why he felt the need to smash our suspension of disbelief like this I don’t know.

“Of course, we felt obliged to ask after her and then suddenly we were knee deep in a discussion about perimenopause and didn’t know how to escape without looking like insensitive twats.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’d happily chat about it with him another time, I’m a modern man after all. But we come to the pub to neck pints and act like dicks, which is why we leave our wives and girlfriends firmly out of it.”

Booker’s wife Sophie said: “It’s so easy to mess with their tiny, silly minds. Next time I’m going to ask him to get me some tampons from the machine in the ladies. That will really f**k them up.”