'Posing up a storm' and other expressions for twats

ARE you keen to look like a massive twat for some reason? Simply use these incredibly irksome contemporary phrases in everyday life.

‘Posing up a storm’

Normally used by the Daily Mail when perving over micro-celebs, eg. “Love Island’s Sophie posed up a storm in a bikini that left NOTHING to the imagination…’ Try it yourself with Facebook photos: “Gran posed up a storm in her swimsuit at Norwich leisure centre!’


Popular among Britons who want to imply they’re a bit American and trendy. They may also refer to Autumn as ‘Fall’. Strangely they never use Americanisms that make them sound like morons, eg. “I gone got me a sandwich for lunch, yes sir.”


Frequently used by TV critics to heap excessive praise on something. Example: “With its realistic depiction of espionage and whip-smart dialogue by Phoebe Waller-Bridge, Killing Eve is simply the greatest achievement in human history.”

‘Playing 4-D chess’

Shorthand for doing something incredibly clever. Except it’s now such a modern cliche only journalists and twats use it. Dominic Cummings undoubtedly believes he is playing 4-D chess.

‘Balls to the wall’

Originally a military aviation term, this is now only used in the dullest of business contexts by middle-management types: “When the order for 12 extra boxes of all-weather duct tape came in, Gavin and I had our balls to the wall.”

‘Do not front with me’

A way of saying ‘Do not adopt a false persona’, which would actually sound intelligent and be taken seriously. Already destined for the language graveyard containing ‘standard’, ‘well wicked’ and Duncan Norvelle’s ‘Chase me!’.

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How to move on from ordering the wrong thing in a restaurant

IT’S happened. In the pressure of the moment in a restaurant you panicked and made the wrong choice. Here’s how to accept it and move on.


Maybe the waiter heard you wrong? Maybe you actually ordered something good? It could all be okay, right? No. You’ve ordered boring pasta you could have made at home.


As the rage swells inside you, direct it appropriately. This is not the fault of the chef or whoever put that common sense-killing menu together. This is on you. You and you alone failed to order that delicious meaty thing Gavin is having. 


It’s tempting to try and coerce a partner or friend into swapping with you or going half-and-half, but don’t be that person. Everyone hates that person.


There will naturally be sadness associated with watching your mates hoover up their excellent choices while you choke down your mistake. Remember nothing lasts forever, even if your lasagne seems like it’s going to.


As you near the end of your plate of self-loathing, learn from the experience and move on. And for God’s sake be more careful about dessert or you’ll be stuck with ice cream while everyone else is having amazing cake.