Rollerblading, and other activities that feel better without a condom

SEX isn’t the only activity vastly improved by not wearing a small latex sheath. These pastimes feel better without a condom too.


Zipping around on roller blades carries certain risks, but getting someone pregnant isn’t one of them unless you really mess up. That means you’ll be fine with protective gear like knee pads and a helmet, and your condom can remain safely tucked away in your wallet. Just as it has done for the last 20 years.

Going to a gig

Seeing a band live often involves dancing around and working up a sweat, which means a condom is likely to shuffle off your penis and slide down your trouser leg. Not only does this render its contraceptive qualities useless, it also risks public humiliation by dropping out onto the dance floor. Play it safe, go bareback.

Scuba diving

Observing the Great Barrier Reef isn’t the same if you’re wearing a rubber johnny. Yes, you’ll be looking at a natural wonder tragically threatened by manmade pollution, but you won’t really feel anything because your dick is encased in a tiny protective windsock. Slip it off halfway through your dive, nobody will notice.

Visiting an art gallery

Unless it’s a shitty modern gallery, looking at famous artworks while wearing a condom will make you feel like an idiot. Even paintings of nude women are designed to stimulate your eyes, not your genitals, so feel free to raw dog that Botticelli collection. Nobody will be any the wiser unless you pitch a trouser tent.

Bungee jumping

Plummeting from a great height on an elasticated cord will instantly cause terror-induced impotence, which means rolling on a rubber will be next to impossible as well as completely pointless. Don’t ruin it for everyone else by holding up the queue as you clumsily try to slip a condom onto your flaccid member. Save that for the bedroom.


A condom will only weigh you down and create drag, two things you don’t want if you intend to race around the track in record time. And if you hit the crash barrier it will do nothing to protect your delicate manly organs. A jock strap, while still completely unnecessary, would be a better shout.

Miniature golf

Feeling the wind blowing through your genitals is the secret highlight of miniature golf, so don’t rob yourself of this giddy thrill by wearing a prophylactic. You’re not at risk of catching anything from these holes, so live a little and go condomless.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

If you want us to behave ourselves, don't fill your city with drugs and prostitutes

BRITONS have advised Amsterdam that if they want only sober, respectable tourists perhaps lacing the city with cannabis and whores was a mistake.

Following the launch of an advertising campaign warning young British men to stay away from the city, they said they would happily do so if it were not filled with all the things they like the very most.

Jack Browne, aged 22, said: “You don’t think we’re coming for the canals, do you? It’s not the canals.

“Nor are we flocking to your city for the Van Goghs, the Anne Frank Huis, the Rembrandts or the Pianola Museum. I regret it is the weed and the prostitutes that draw us in.

“We like getting stoned, you see, almost to a man, and a certain amount of our number – naming no names, Ryan – also enjoy congress with sex workers. To get both of these without legal risk on a £50 flight from the UK? Exquisite.

“Don’t get me wrong, we’re welcome nowhere. The whole of Europe hates British men aged 18 to 25, Britain included. But you have iced your citybreak cake with incredibly strong skunk and lingerie-clad women posing in windows, and we are powerless to resist.

“We also find your shit, drizzly weather and bland food comforting. Though you need to work on your drinking culture. Closing at 1am? F**k that.”