15 garden features which prove you're working-class

WANT to make your neighbours worry they’ve accidentally moved in next to a working-class family? Here’s what to put in your garden.

Huge playset

Not content with a single, tasteful wooden swing, a working-class household maximises fun for the kids by squeezing an entire adventure playground onto a three metre square lawn.

Rusty barbecue

Frighten your middle-class neighbours by leaving this harbinger of raucous, boozy parties in your garden all year round.

Hot tub with lights

And not a wood-fired hot tub made from reclaimed floorboards. A massive plastic one with jets.

B&Q summer house

The idea of having a garden room for summer is very aspirational, but this one gets f**king boiling so is instead used for late night darts and smoking.

Mooning garden gnome

The couple next door who recently moved from the city spend a long time convincing themselves that this tacky ornament is ironic. It isn’t.

Dog tied to a spike

‘Wouldn’t hurt a fly’ you explain to anyone who comments on the raging, slavering beast that lives outdoors 365 days a year.

Large plastic car

Your kids are in their 20s but that doesn’t mean you’ll ever get rid of the Cozy Coupe, even though it’s broken and black with mildew.

A car on bricks

That Ford Escort XR3i has been in the front garden so long it’s classified as vintage now. You’d get a lot of money for it if the chassis hadn’t rusted through and the engine fallen out.

Plastic grass

Who can be arsed to mow the lawn when you can hoover it instead?

Concrete everywhere

Or don’t even bother pretending you’ve got grass and concrete the whole lot over.


Not the aesthetically pleasing type but a tall shed made of corrugated iron and asbestos which is full of actual pigeons that shit all over the neighbour’s decking.


Getting a mattress to the tip is impossible and your teenager likes using this for weed and heavy petting sessions in the summer.

Huge inflatable pool

Used twice three summers ago and now sadly deflated but still takes up 80 per cent of the garden.

An old bathroom

Removed in 2011 and in a pile at the end of the yard. Full of slugs and toads so you tell the grandchildren it’s a nature reserve.

Jar full of fag butts

Full of yellowing, stinking rainwater, you leave this on the window sill nearest the neighbour’s house so the smell wafts over their insufferable al fresco dinner parties.

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The Daily Mail guide to the Z-list celebrity scum suing us

SO, a gaggle of micro-celebs like Prince Harry and Elton John have got the f**king nerve to sue us, the Daily Mail, have they? Let’s find out who these bitter nonentities are.

Elizabeth Hurley 

Liz had her 15 minutes of fame in 1994 for wearing ‘that dress’, and she wasn’t even that popular then. As if Britain’s men would be the slightest bit interested in a gorgeous posh bird with big tits. The very thought is ludicrous.

Since then she’s plummeted into total obscurity, scrabbling around for work as the face of Estee Lauder and only appearing in two Austin Powers films. The public doesn’t care about her, and we at the Mail certainly don’t, apart from eagerly printing every single bikini shot her publicist sends us.

Also she’s 57, way past the official Daily Mail age for women being attractive, and as such should be put down like an old dog.

Sir Elton John 

Had a few hits back in the 70s, but is completely unknown in 2023 and these days just tunelessly bashes out ‘Crocodile Rock’ in dingy local pubs before sliding into alcoholic oblivion. Allegedly.

Sir Elton claims someone tapped the landline belonging to himself and his ‘husband’ David Furnish, although everyone’s ramming their homosexuality down your throat these days, so we’d hardly want more of it. We still haven’t got over Channel 4 showing My Beautiful Laundrette

Baroness Doreen Lawrence

Er, we’re going to skip over her as we’ve just got an email from our lawyer saying we’re deep enough in the shit already.

Sadie Frost 

She claims to be an actress, but all she’s been in is 1994’s Shopping. That’s it. Apart from various other things and an obscure vampire B-movie by Francis Ford Someone. 

Sadie’s main claim to fame was being married to Jude Law, another washed-up thespian who is now bald as an egg. What a dreadful couple, and it would have served them right if someone had hired a private investigator and taken an unhinged, stalkerish interest in their divorce. That wasn’t us, by the way. Definitely not us.

Prince Harry 

We have literally no idea who this minor royal is, so why would we tap his phone? He says he was worried that ex-girlfriend Chelsy Davy would be ‘harassed to death’, but the suggestion that we’d use our army of journalists, freelancers, columnists and lawyers to run a deranged hate campaign against a young woman who’s done nothing wrong is totally implausible.

As far as we can tell, Harry has done nothing with his life. He claims to have been in Afghanistan, but he’s clearly a fantasist with too many Andy McNab books. Disabled due to his hideous ginger hair, Harry clearly craves attention after years of living in the shadow of his more successful, better-looking brother whose wife Kate is perfect in every way.

While we pity him, he cannot blame the Mail for his woes. We are simply pointing out the truth when we explain that Meghan is pure, demonic evil in human form and undoubtedly the spawn of The Horned One, Lucifer, and a cursed talking goat.