WANT to make your neighbours worry they’ve accidentally moved in next to a working-class family? Here’s what to put in your garden.
Huge playset
Not content with a single, tasteful wooden swing, a working-class household maximises fun for the kids by squeezing an entire adventure playground onto a three metre square lawn.
Rusty barbecue
Frighten your middle-class neighbours by leaving this harbinger of raucous, boozy parties in your garden all year round.
Hot tub with lights
And not a wood-fired hot tub made from reclaimed floorboards. A massive plastic one with jets.
B&Q summer house
The idea of having a garden room for summer is very aspirational, but this one gets f**king boiling so is instead used for late night darts and smoking.
Mooning garden gnome
The couple next door who recently moved from the city spend a long time convincing themselves that this tacky ornament is ironic. It isn’t.
Dog tied to a spike
‘Wouldn’t hurt a fly’ you explain to anyone who comments on the raging, slavering beast that lives outdoors 365 days a year.
Large plastic car
Your kids are in their 20s but that doesn’t mean you’ll ever get rid of the Cozy Coupe, even though it’s broken and black with mildew.
A car on bricks
That Ford Escort XR3i has been in the front garden so long it’s classified as vintage now. You’d get a lot of money for it if the chassis hadn’t rusted through and the engine fallen out.
Plastic grass
Who can be arsed to mow the lawn when you can hoover it instead?
Concrete everywhere
Or don’t even bother pretending you’ve got grass and concrete the whole lot over.
Dovecote
Not the aesthetically pleasing type but a tall shed made of corrugated iron and asbestos which is full of actual pigeons that shit all over the neighbour’s decking.
Mattress
Getting a mattress to the tip is impossible and your teenager likes using this for weed and heavy petting sessions in the summer.
Huge inflatable pool
Used twice three summers ago and now sadly deflated but still takes up 80 per cent of the garden.
An old bathroom
Removed in 2011 and in a pile at the end of the yard. Full of slugs and toads so you tell the grandchildren it’s a nature reserve.
Jar full of fag butts
Full of yellowing, stinking rainwater, you leave this on the window sill nearest the neighbour’s house so the smell wafts over their insufferable al fresco dinner parties.
