How to convince people you live in the nice bit of a well-known shithole

IF you live in Southend, Sunderland or another of the UK’s vibrant, bustling hellholes, it’s vital everyone thinks you live in ‘the good bit’. Whether it actually exists or not. Here’s how to convince them.

Be vague on the postcode

When residing in a dive like Slough, never mention the postcode so no one will know where you live. If you ever need a lift, always get dropped off at an address in an affluent area miles from your home. Don’t get carried away with your newfound status though, and get takeaways delivered there to impress the guy from Golden City Chinese.

Use the term ‘a village near’

You don’t live in Hull. You live in a mysterious village near it no one can quite place, like Brigadoon. Still, it conjures visions of country pubs and weekend rambles, and if pushed on the details go on about how the local primary school got rated ‘good’. Don’t mention that you’ve installed CCTV because people keep setting fire to your wheelie bin, focus on ‘the new Costa’, ie. the coffee machine in your grotty local corner shop.

Accentuate the positive

If you live in a total hole go hard on its plus points. It’s got ‘amazing sea views’ (Plymouth), it’s ‘a stone’s throw from the West End’ (Croydon), or it’s ‘the gateway to The Cotswolds’ (Swindon). All of those stretch the truth beyond breaking point, but geography at school these days never includes a basic knowledge of where places are in Britain, so people will probably believe Bradford is ‘deep in the heart of the Yorkshire Dales’.

Tell everyone it’s got a Waitrose

Your trump card. You might live in the faded seaside shit-tip that is Blackpool, a relic resort shrouded in the scent of chip fat, candy floss and desperation, but the fact that it has a Waitrose makes everything nice and middle-class again. No one needs to know that Waitrose is actually 25 miles away in Preston. 

Go on about how it’s ‘on the up’

When you tell your friends you’ve moved to Stoke quickly neutralise looks of pity and horror by telling them the area is ‘on the up’. Luckily the concept is highly subjective. A new cheapo off-licence and a tattooist in your street are worthwhile urban regeneration projects if you love the taste of Spesh and looking like someone’s doodled on you with a black biro.

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The busty bikini model's guide to getting shitloads of engagement on social media

WANT to connect with more followers online? Follow the advice of a DD-cup bikini model who somehow racks up millions of likes on an hourly basis.

Post regularly

The secret to being popular on social media is to post every hour, if not more. Don’t worry about coming up with quality ideas for content. Selfies of me looking doe-eyed at the camera in nothing but my skimpy swimwear always attract thousands of likes. It’s lucky so many men are interested in beach fashion.

Don’t forget the hashtags

Hashtags are how people find your content when it’s two in the morning and they’re feeling horny, so it’s important that you pop them under photos of you draped across a bed in nothing but your pants or looking down the lens suggestively. My favourites are #bigtits, #hugenaturals and #milfs. Posts with those hashtags always seem to do mad numbers. My followers must just really appreciate the human form, like looking at Michelangelo’s David.

Reply to comments

Once you’ve amassed an audience, you’ve got to keep them engaged in the comments. You don’t have to write lengthy, personalised essays though. A heart-eyes emoji or a few kisses seems to keep my followers happy, although I expect I could type my latest electricity meter reading and they’d lap it up. They’re such a loyal, deeply desperate, bunch like that.

Make a video

Followers are statistically more likely to engage with videos rather than boring old pictures, so invest in a ring light and start filming. In my experience it only has to be something simple like footage of you running across a beach, jumping on a trampoline or doing the ice bucket challenge. Yes, that last one’s a bit old hat, but my followers still seem to find it entertaining so who am I to argue?

Get ‘em out

Whipping out the voluptuous assets God blessed you with should only be a last resort. Social media is an erudite haven of refined culture, not a sleazy gutter that exploits the basest of human desires. Sex sells though, so if the tips above aren’t working then don’t hesitate to get your knockers out for a quick like. If you’re a man or flat-chested, a picture of a cute kitten works just as well.